SHITTING RAINBOWS

My husband and I have been bickering a lot lately, which is very uncharacteristic of us. We ususally get along very well, and enjoy each other's company. Lately, we have been really getting on each other's nerves. I have to admit that I am mostly to blame. I have not been a very happy person lately. I think partly it's a raging case of PMS. But part of it is probably the time of year. My poor husband. I have not been a very nice wife lately. I'm trying to not be such a bitch. Sometimes it's hard, I'll admit it. Sometimes I catch myself being mean to him, and I really feel bad. The other morning he asked me why I was in such a bad mood. To which I replied, "I can't always be happy. I can't shit rainbows everyday!" Of course he found this hysterical, and has not let me forget it. So today when I found this online I was tempted to buy it for him. I'm thinking Valentines Gift...

11 LONG MONTHS

"You know what this is like. You lost a child too."

That is what my husband's cousin C wrote to me when I sent her an email expressing my sympathy over the passing of her son. What an amazing woman she is. To take the time out of her grief to acknowledge my daughter's short life. To have to presence of mind, and heart, to know that I was relating to her. I just don't think I'm as kind of a person as she is.

It's been 11 months since Brenna was born. I haven't wrote about this much, because I have a tendency to put things off and not face them. But the fact of the matter is that I can not believe that just 11 months ago I was pregnant. This time last year was a very happy time in my life. I was expecting my miracle baby, and my stepdaughter was planning her wedding. Even though I was feeling ill, life was good. I was looking at baby things, and picking out names. Last year on Super Bowl Sunday, while my husband went to a party I went out and bought baby things. Girl things, even though we had no idea Brenna was a girl, I just knew. One of those outfits is still hanging in my closet. I couldn't take it back. My life now is no where near the life I envisioned for myself this time last year. Nothing at all. Looking back on the past 11 months, it all seems like a dream. Like it didn't even happen to me. I have not shared that part of my life with the new people I've met since then. How do you? I feel that if I share that part of my life, they will start feeling sorry for me, and I do NOT like being THAT person. The poor deadbabymama that everyone feels sorry for. I don't want any one's pity. But, sadly, there really isn't anything else to feel for a deadbabymama except for pity, is there?

I STILL HAVE HARD DAYS

Part of my job requires me to go into peoples homes after they suffer a tragedy (like a fire). Today I had to go to the home of a young couple. They didn't have any children, but they told me that she was pregnant. Trying to be polite I asked how far along she was. I feel like a horrible person because I didn't feel bad for them that they had a fire in their house. Instead, I kept on thinking, "I know what your baby looks like right now", "Her baby might now make it", "Babies can die". It's not that her being pregnant bothered me, I guess it was how far a long she was. She was almost as far along as I was with Brenna. It just broke my heart. When we were leaving, they told me that they each had been in a car accident in the last week, and then this with their house. Someone said, "Well at least you have your health" and they replied, "Yep! The baby is nice and healthy!".

Knife. In. My. Gut.

I know I was quiet after that, and I'm not sure anyone noticed. I tried not to be. I've been thinking about it all day today. Maybe it's because I'm going to start my period, and I'm hormonal...

I don't think so.

Most of the deadbabymamas I know are pregnant again. While I really do celebrate their pregnancies (I really do!), I can't help but feel left out. I want that.

And I don't ever know that I will experience it again.

FOLLOW UP

This is a follow up to this post. Kristi made some very good comments, and I've been thinking about them. (I also want to thank Kristi for leaving me that comment. I don't want anyone to ever feel afraid to comment on something if they disagree with me. I welcome everyone's comments. I am not easily offended. It also helps me to sort our my thoughts if someone offers a different opinion. )

I totally understand what she is saying. I guess it doesn't make sense. I just know that for me, it seems so much easier because I didn't have to labor and birth her. If I had, I know that I would have been in a much worse place emotionally. I know I would have. I did not have to make any tough decisions- they were all made for me. That made the process easier, for me. Maybe not for everyone. But for me, because there were never any "what if's" for me. The decisions were all made. I never had to second guess myself. It was easier to move forward.

It does bother me that someone who looses a baby at 14 weeks is said to have suffered a miscarriage, while someone who looses a baby at 20 is said to have a stillbirth. Why is there a difference? I also think that as a society we look at stillbirths as far more devastating then miscarriages. It's socially acceptable to take time off from work after a stillbirth, but not after a miscarriage. It's OK to name your stillborn baby, but people get kind of squeamish if you name a baby that was miscarried in the first trimester. I don't think it's right or fair.

When I wrote my previous post I hope I didn't make anyone thing that I was minimizing their loss. That was not my intention. All I was saying is that for me I know that I had an easier time dealing with my loss because of the reasons I stated. Had things been different, I would have been different. If I had to be induced and go into labor and give birth to a dead child you bet your butt I would have been in a much worse place emotionally. That is a given. One does not expereince that unscathed. I feel that I had it easier (so to speak) because I did not have to go through that process. It has nothing to do with gestational age. It's more to do with my experience. While I understand, and appreciate, what many of you have said, I still feel that my experience was not as horrible as it could have been. (There's the optomist in me!) I've heard much worse stories. I guess that goes back to when the bible says, "God will never give you more than you can handle". My loss was all I could handle.

Hey Amelia...

Welcome to the world little girl. Your mom is awesome. If you get half her brains and humor, you will be a very lucky girl.

"B" IS FOR BRENNA

I ordered a necklace with a letter B charm. I finally came today, and when I opened it I showed it to my girlfriend. She said, "Why did you get a B?" I tried to be nice when I said, "For my baby!" But I could tell she was really embarassed. It was like she forgot or something. I brushed it off. But it bothered me. Why the hell do you think I ordered a B? Have you already forgotten?

The funeral for my husband's cousin is going to be on Thursday. This will be the sixth funeral I have been to in less than eleven months. It has gotten so bad that I have a couple "funeral outfits". When a funeral comes up I already have a black outfit picked out. Wow. That is depressing.

I AM AT A LOSS...

I just learned tonight that my husband's cousin lost her son today. He wasn't a baby, he was in his 20's. He was shot in a home invasion. That is all I know. She was crying so hard on the phone I couldn't understand everything she was telling me.

Her and I have grown especially close over these past 10 months. Her first child, a little girl, died shortly after birth. She never got to hold her while she was alive. She understands everything I feel, and is the only person in my family that I have talked to in depth about Brenna.

She raised one of her sister's sons as her own, and he passed away also. I can't imagine how she is going to get through this. I just can't.

When she called I felt so helpless. What do you say to someone who is hurting so badly? What do you do for them? I didn't know, even though I feel like I should.