YOU'RE HIRED

So I got the job. At least I'm pretty sure I got the job. Boss-lady called me today to ask me to come back in Monday to discuss salary and such. She also said she has been excited since meeting me last week, and she wishes I was there with her today. Flattery will get you everywhere. :) I'm sort of excited, but I'm also nervous. When it comes to me I am a perfectionist. I don't do anything unless I know I am going to excel at it. I loath my own failure.

(Totally off topic- this just occurred to me as I was writing. I wonder if that is why I've been having such a hard time with loosing Brenna. Do I look at her death as my own failure? I have to think about that some more.)

So anyway, I may have a new job. My husband tells me I would be crazy not to take it. We live in Michigan, and let me tell you the economy is terrible here. I know it's bad all over- but Michigan is it's own kind of shitty. It is a great opportunity, and I will be making more money than I ever have before. It is definitely the answer to our money prayers.

Oh, and you know how I was thinking that if I didn't get the job it was God's way of telling me that a baby was in my future? Well, now I think since I did get the job, it's His way of telling me a baby is in my future. Now I will be financially secure.

Man, I can turn anything into a positive can't I?

"Brenna"

Today while grocery shopping I heard someone call out "Brenna!" and my heart stopped beating. I looked around and saw a girl- not much older than my son. I looked at her, but I didn't see her. I couldn't tell you what she looked like. I didn't want to see her. I knew one day it would happen. One day I would meet someone who shared her name. I just didn't expect it to be at the grocery store. My son was with me, and he heard it too. He didn't say anything, but I could tell by the look on his face he heard it too. I wish I could go back and think of something wonderful to say. But I didn't, and I could kick myself. It was my job to comfort him, and I was too wrapped up in my own feelings to have time for his and that makes me feel awful.

As if I didn't feel awful enough.

I think it's the holidays, but these days seem to be harder and harder. I remember last Christmas being so excited that we would have a new baby in the family next year. We were all excited.

We put our tree up, and I am going to Bronner's (Christmas Wonderland!) and get an ornament with her name on it. I'd like to have something I can put up each year.

I don't know... it's just so hard. This used to be my favorite time of year, but all I can do lately is think of what was happening this time last year. Finding out I was pregnant. Hearing the heartbeat. Seeing the baby for the first time. It all happened this month. It seems like a lifetime ago. I was such a different person then.

I'm such a different person now.

I think a lot about having another baby. The problem is, I don't think it will make me miss her any less. It won't fill the hole in my heart. So now I think, what's the point?

PUTTING THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE

Sometimes when you are really feeling down the world has a way of putting things in perspective for you. Two years ago a young boy I know was diagnosed with leukemia. His mother set up a website through the hospital took keep his family and friends updated on his care. I joined so that I would know how he was doing. (He has fully recovered- thank God!) For some reason, don't ask me how, I started recieving updates about another little girl who had cancer. I haven't recieved many, but a few days ago I recieved an urgent update.

Let me step back and fill you in on this little girl. She is 13 years old now. She had cancer. I am assuming it was in her bone at one time, because she had a donor bone put into her leg. Then, shortly after she recieved the donor bone, she was in a very serious car accident- and broke the leg. Yes, the same leg that was just operated on. Her younger sister was also seriously injured. That was earlier this year. Her sister has healed well, but the girls leg has not healed as it should. It still has a serious infection. Months later.

Today I read the urgent update and it is the worst possible news. Her cancer is back. This time in her lungs. She needs chemo and radiation. But because of the infection in her leg it won't be possible. So you know what that means... amputation. Yes, this poor girl is going to have to have her leg amputated next week. Then she will start chemo the week after that. The week of Christmas.

I don't know this person. I've never met her family. But her story is one that makes my story seem small in comparison. My pain is great. It is the greatest pain I've ever know. But I have to tell you, I don't think it is even close to the pain this girl's mother is feeling. To watch your child suffer for years... I can't even go there. I just can't imagine.

Kind of puts things into perspective for me.

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY

One year ago today I was at a friends house. She was ready to give birth anyday. We talked about having more babies and I said something I will never forget:

"No way! Not me! I've got it made right now. Brendan is older. We can do whatever we want, and don't have to deal with babies and sitters. I'd die if I had a baby right now!"

Little did I know I was growing a miracle baby as I said those words. It wasn't my period that started a few days before. I was pregnant, and had no idea.

Those words will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Elf Yourself

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

What's In Your Phone?

Just for shits and giggles we are going to play a game. It's a game I found on another blog, while browsing blogland in sheer and utter boredom from being snowed in. If you would like to play along, click on the picture on the left.

So, here is What's On MY Phone:

This is a ringtone someone sent me.

This is me and three of my brother's last November. We were out celebrating my husband's birthday. It's actually the night I got pregnant with Brenna.

I still keep a picture of the pregnancy test I took in a Wal.mart bathroom. I was so shocked that I took a picture of the test because I couldn't believe it was real.

My step-daughter got married 11 days before Brenna died. This is pregnant me trying on dresses for her wedding. I took a picture because I just coudn't decide. (I know you totally love the socks with the dress!)

Pictures of Brenna when she was born. I didn't know that my phone would take such good pictures. I sent my husband out to buy a disposable (which took HORRIBLE pictures). We were so far from home, and didn't have a camera. I cherish these pictures that my phone took, and will have a hard time buying a new phone because they are on it.

This is my son and grandson this summer playing outside.

This is when I was having a particularly craptastic day. I was driving and it was raining and I literally drove out of the rain. I took this picture with my cell phone. I blogged about it here.

Remember my friend who's fiance died? We read he died on Janis Joplin's birthday. Later that same day, we went out for lunch (day after his funeral) and right outside the bathroom was this sign. I just had to take a picture.

My pet pig.

I'm not sure if this one really counts because it's actually a picture I took of a picture on my computer. But it's my husband and I, last Halloween. I'm Gilligan- he's the skipper!

Capturing A Short Life

Thank you Aunt Becky for letting me know that this documentary exists. If you live in Canada you can watch it on CBC Newsworld at 10 PM.

I am very jealous because it's not being shown in The States.