I Have Changed

I have changed these last few months. I found out I was pregnant on December 21st. The day after my birthday. I am not the same person I was on my last birthday. I have changed a lot since then. Even if I had given birth to a live baby I would not have been the same person. I would have changed in different ways, but I would still be a different person than I was then. That day was life-changing. I will never be the same as I was the day before that. Never.

I've changed in some ways for the worse. I'm not as naive as I once was. I now realize how often babies die. I also now, truly, realize what it means to loose someone you so wholly love. I know how devastating it is.

But I've also changed for the better. At least I feel it's for the better. I am much more compassionate now. I can't ever remember buying a sympathy card for someone. Now I realize how important that small gesture can be. I have bought several since Brenna's death. I'm much more grateful now. I realize that my family really is a gift, and I should (and do) cherish them. I've always felt thankful for what I have, but I can't really say that I was grateful. There is a difference, and I never knew it before.

I've also changed in ways that I'm not sure fit into the good or bad category. Before my loss I was largely independent. I loved my husband, but I didn't need him. Now, I depend on him. I do not know how I would go on without him. I lean on him so much. He takes care of me in ways he's never done before. In our 13 years together, I've never relied on him like I do now. I think he likes being needed. I secretly like being babied. The dynamic of our relationship has changed, and I think it is for the better. We really are a team now. I've always loved him, but this loss has brought us together and made our relationship so different. I love him on a whole other level.

My birthday is in a few months, and I keep on wondering how I will feel when it comes. Will I be sad because on my last birthday I was pregnant with my miracle baby? Will it be like everything else has been and the dread is far worse than the actual day? I'm not sure. I have a feeling I will be OK.

I also have a feeling there are going to be a few more lessons learned from this loss.

I just wish I didn't have to loose my baby to learn them.