IT'S BEEN AWHILE

I didn't realize it's been two weeks since I've posted anything here.

That infection really kicked my butt, and I have just now began to feel better.

The truth is I haven't had much to write. I have things I want to write about, things I think about. But when it comes down to typing them out I go blank.

My step-daughter is struggling with extreme morning sickness during this pregnancy. She was on a clear liquid diet a few weeks ago and had to resort to methods other than pills to stop her vomiting. When she was pregnant with her son I was so excited. We talked about the baby every day, and we shopped all the time. This time around I don't feel the same excitment. That's not to say I'm not excited, because I am. But I feel distant this time. I'm afraid that my distance during the pregnancy is going to mean I'm distant when the baby comes, especially if it's a girl. (I have a feeling that this baby is a girl.) I am afraid that I will not love this baby with my whole heart like I do my grandson. I know that once I see the baby I will fall in love. Logically, I know that.

But I can't help worrying that my relationship with this baby is going to be affected by the loss of my own baby.

I can't help but worry.

I'M TAKING A VACATION

A few things have happened this week. WeA booked our trip to Hawaii. Going in July. YIKES! I do not do well on a plane. I've only flown a few times, and it is not my favorite thing. It's actually my least favorite thing to do. Seriously. But it is a corporate trip, and my (wonderful) boss is paying for most of the trip for both my husband and myself- and he's not even expecting me to attend any of the corporate events! He just wants to say thank you for a job well done! So we will be spending 8 days in Hawaii, and I have to say I'm really excited. My husband and I haven't been on vacation alone (besides a weekend away) since our honeymoon. I'm already feeling guilty for leaving my son with my mom- but I shoudln't. He's going on a class trip for a week in September, and he's also going to Washington DC for a week in July.

I've been out of commission for the past few days- kidney & bladder infection. I didn't feel good the day before, but I thought it was a UTI, drank some cranberry juice and figured I go to the doctors if I didn't feel better the next day. I had no idea how sick I really was. I got up and went to work the next day. I was so fricking sick! I went to go to the bathroom and I literally felt like someone was kicking me in the back. The pain was so intense- it was a close second to my rupture. I ended up having to have my boss drive me home because I couldn't drive. I thought I was going to pass out. The doctor gave me some pretty strong antibiotics, and I felt better within a day. I still feel pretty crappy though. I went to the grocery store with my husband, and I was feeling faint. I must have been a lot sicker than I realized.

Also, my husband is the best. While I slept the day away, he cleaned the whole house, did the dishes, washed all the laundry (and folded it and put it away! Didn't just dump it on my bed.) He's such a good guy.

PICTURES

My four year old grandson was visiting today. He was walking around the house looking at pictures. He looked at a picture of Brenna, and said, "GG, that baby looks like you!"

You might think that it broke my heart to hear that but it didn't.

It warmed my heart.

Even thinking about it now makes me feel all warm and gushy inside. It was one of the best things anyone has said to me in a long time.

MY "BABY" IS 13!

My son turned thirteen yesterday. I seriously can not believe it. He is getting to the age where he perfers his friends over his parents. :(

He's growing up so fast, and as I watch him grow I can not believe that he is mine. Still. I can't believe it. He is such an amazing person, and I feel so blessed that he was given to me. He's smart, and funny, and handsome. (And I'm not just saying that because I'm his mom!). He is the light of my life. Everything I do in this life, I do for him.

I can not imagine my life without him.

I thank God for him everyday.

HAPPY BLOGOVERSARY

Today it's been two years since I created this blog. I wrote this post.

I can not thank you enough for being there for me when I really needed it.

I tell everyone who's just lost a child that blogging was the single thing that helped the most.

I truely mean that.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Last week I felt a very sharp pain on my right side. It surprised me and actually too my breath away. I was telling my friend who's in the medical field what happened. She laughed and said, "You probably just ovulated".

It's been so long since I ovulated I forgot when I felt like!!!

What caused me to ovulate? I suffer from PCOS and rarely "drop an egg" as my husband so lovingly calls it.

My doctor usually puts me on the Pill and has told me that if needed he'll prescribe gulcophage. (I haven't taken that yet). The Pill was making my hormones go nuts, so I finally decided to look into a natural way to take care of this.

I found this website about a month ago. Since then I have been taking a good multi vitamin, Chaste Tree (Vitex) and Gymnema. I have to say the results are evident. I just feel better overall. My current cycle was 28 days on the dot (I don't even know when the last time that happened- literally years!). When I had my period it wasn't super heavy like it sometimes is, just a regular flow that lasted three days. I am not hungry all the time, and I can tell that my blood sugar isn't rising and then crashing like it used to.

Oh, and I OVULATED.

I'M FAT

I'm not happy to tell you this, but I'm fat. I partly blame my PCOS (which I'll post about tomorrow) and I mostly blame myself. I used to be very, very thin. After I had my son I noticed that I was breaking out like a teenager, and my hormones went nuts. I lost the weight right away after he was born. But then I started having irregular periods, lots of ovarian cysts, and weight gain. I'm kind of mad that none of my doctors put these symptoms together and diagnosed me (I ended up diagnosing myself and taking my suspicions to my doctor!). I'd like to blame all the weight gain on my PCOS, but the truth is it's my fault.


I like food. I don't like sweets or candy, I like dinner! I like to eat out. I also don't get as much exercise as I should. Before I moved out here to the country I walked or rode my bike all the time. Out here there aren't sidewalks and I live on a main road. I actually have to get into my car and drive somewhere so I can go for a walk! It's kind of ridiculous! But there are other things I can do for exercise and I know it.


We bought a Wii Fit a while ago and I used it today. It mocked me. (My grandson asked me why my Mii Character had it's belly hanging out!!!) I was also surprised to realize I hadn't used it in over 200 days. In fact, before today I used it twice.


I see unflattering pictures of myself and I want to delete them all. Wouldn't it just be easier to lose the weight?


We've been making subtle changes around here. We've been planning out a menu each week, and sticking to actually cooking rather than going out for dinner. (We still usually go out on the weekends.) It's not only saving money, it's healthier. My husband and I have made a pact that we will workout on the Wii at least 3 days a week for at least 30 minutes each time. I've basically cut out soda. I don't buy it anymore. After a few days, I don't even want it! I do still have one occasionally, but I'd say I went from drinking 3-5 a day to drinking 1-2 a week. It's a big improvement.


We are going to Hawaii in July. I've set a goal for myself to loose 20 pounds in three months. I'd like to lose more by I want to keep my goal attainable. I also want to be accountable, so I've added a ticker at the top of this blog. Every time I come here I will see that thing staring at me, and I'll know that you all know if I'm not doing what I said I'd do.


Here goes nothing. Today is the day.


And, as your reward for reading this incredibly boring post. One of those "unflattering" pictures I was telling you about:


And you thought I was exaggerating.