FOLLOW UP

This is a follow up to this post. Kristi made some very good comments, and I've been thinking about them. (I also want to thank Kristi for leaving me that comment. I don't want anyone to ever feel afraid to comment on something if they disagree with me. I welcome everyone's comments. I am not easily offended. It also helps me to sort our my thoughts if someone offers a different opinion. )

I totally understand what she is saying. I guess it doesn't make sense. I just know that for me, it seems so much easier because I didn't have to labor and birth her. If I had, I know that I would have been in a much worse place emotionally. I know I would have. I did not have to make any tough decisions- they were all made for me. That made the process easier, for me. Maybe not for everyone. But for me, because there were never any "what if's" for me. The decisions were all made. I never had to second guess myself. It was easier to move forward.

It does bother me that someone who looses a baby at 14 weeks is said to have suffered a miscarriage, while someone who looses a baby at 20 is said to have a stillbirth. Why is there a difference? I also think that as a society we look at stillbirths as far more devastating then miscarriages. It's socially acceptable to take time off from work after a stillbirth, but not after a miscarriage. It's OK to name your stillborn baby, but people get kind of squeamish if you name a baby that was miscarried in the first trimester. I don't think it's right or fair.

When I wrote my previous post I hope I didn't make anyone thing that I was minimizing their loss. That was not my intention. All I was saying is that for me I know that I had an easier time dealing with my loss because of the reasons I stated. Had things been different, I would have been different. If I had to be induced and go into labor and give birth to a dead child you bet your butt I would have been in a much worse place emotionally. That is a given. One does not expereince that unscathed. I feel that I had it easier (so to speak) because I did not have to go through that process. It has nothing to do with gestational age. It's more to do with my experience. While I understand, and appreciate, what many of you have said, I still feel that my experience was not as horrible as it could have been. (There's the optomist in me!) I've heard much worse stories. I guess that goes back to when the bible says, "God will never give you more than you can handle". My loss was all I could handle.

Hey Amelia...

Welcome to the world little girl. Your mom is awesome. If you get half her brains and humor, you will be a very lucky girl.

"B" IS FOR BRENNA

I ordered a necklace with a letter B charm. I finally came today, and when I opened it I showed it to my girlfriend. She said, "Why did you get a B?" I tried to be nice when I said, "For my baby!" But I could tell she was really embarassed. It was like she forgot or something. I brushed it off. But it bothered me. Why the hell do you think I ordered a B? Have you already forgotten?

The funeral for my husband's cousin is going to be on Thursday. This will be the sixth funeral I have been to in less than eleven months. It has gotten so bad that I have a couple "funeral outfits". When a funeral comes up I already have a black outfit picked out. Wow. That is depressing.

I AM AT A LOSS...

I just learned tonight that my husband's cousin lost her son today. He wasn't a baby, he was in his 20's. He was shot in a home invasion. That is all I know. She was crying so hard on the phone I couldn't understand everything she was telling me.

Her and I have grown especially close over these past 10 months. Her first child, a little girl, died shortly after birth. She never got to hold her while she was alive. She understands everything I feel, and is the only person in my family that I have talked to in depth about Brenna.

She raised one of her sister's sons as her own, and he passed away also. I can't imagine how she is going to get through this. I just can't.

When she called I felt so helpless. What do you say to someone who is hurting so badly? What do you do for them? I didn't know, even though I feel like I should.

I'M A WINNER! :)

Breanna has awarded me my first ever blog award! Thanks Breanna!

The award states: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

So here are my eight nominees:

Kristi over at Rainbow Over My Broken Road. Her blog was the first one I've ever read. We belonged to the same birth club, and I remember reading that she lost Eli just days before I lost my Brenna. She was the first person who reached out to me. The first deadbabyland friend I ever had.

CLC over at Please Give Me Back My Heart. One of the first blogs I began to read regularly. Her bluntness hit home with me. She does not pretend to have all the answers, and I appreciate that.

Antigone over at Antigone Lost. After loosing her precious Henry, she found herself pregnant and facing a divorce. She picked up her pregnant self and moved across the country. Little Perseus was born happy and healthy just this month. It's a long journey- and she's sharing it with us.

Reese at Letters to Ronan. She recently wrote one of my all time favorite posts. If you have the time you should go over and read it.

No Swimmers over at No Swimmers in the Tubes No Bun in the Oven. She's pregnant again after loosing her twin girls. Sometimes she makes me laugh, sometimes she makes me cry.

Mrs. Spit over at Mrs. Spit Spouts Off. If it weren't for her my grammar would stink. I also think she's partly to blame for my love of knitting.

JenJen over at Lilly's Mommy Forever. She also suffered a ruptured uterus, and knows better than anyone else exactly what I went through.

And last but certainly not least Aunt Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka. Simply because she makes me laugh. I love her. (Bonus! If you go over right now you can see pictures of her ridiculously swollen feet!)

OK ladies- now it's YOUR turn to nominate eight people.

I'M JUST BEING REALISTIC

I sort of got bashed by another blogger commenter because of my views on miscarriage and stillbirth. I talked about this back in May and June, when another blogger helped shine some light on the subject for me. At the time my loss was fresh, and I had not gotten the certificate of stillbirth from the doctor yet. At that time I thought my loss was a "late term miscarriage". The term made my skin crawl, still does.

I know any loss is tragic. I get that. A first trimester baby is just as wanted and loved as a third trimester baby. I know that. But the fact of the matter is that I can't help but feel that I had it kind of easy as far as stillbirths go. I wasn't near my due date so I didn't have a nursery all set up waiting. My baby was delivered during surgery so I didn't have to physically birth her, or go through labor all the while knowing I was carrying a dead child. Does that make my loss any less painful? No. Does it make it easier to handle emotionally? Yes, I think it does. I had baby things at home, which was hard enough to come home to. But I did not have an entire nursery and all the cutesy little baby items waiting for me when I walked through the door empty handed. I can not imagine what that is like. I did not find out my baby was dead and have to walk around with her in my body, and decide how I was going to go about getting her out. Again, that is unimaginable to me.

I love Brenna. I wanted that baby with every fiber of my soul. I also have an 11 year old son. I can tell you that if anything ever happened to him it would be 10 million times harder than loosing Brenna. Not because I'm a heartless person who chooses one child over the other, but because I have spent the last 11 years of my life with my son. I know everything about him. We are bonded. If he was not here my life would change drastically. Unfortunately, I never got to know Brenna outside my womb. I carried her with me, but she was not a physical part of my day to day life. I only had her with me for a short time. After her loss, life quickly returned to normal. That does not mean I wasn't heartbroken- because I was (still am).

I guess what I'm saying is I'm just being realistic. I am only being honest when I tell you that I know in my heart there are people who've suffered losses far worse than mine. That does not mean I don't hurt because I do. All it means is that I am able to put myself in other people's shoes, and I understand that it's all a matter of perspective. My loss is horrible to me because it's the worst thing I've ever experienced. Just as someone's miscarriage is horrible to them because it's their worst experience. (Thanks CLC for that insite!)

I AM HAPPY

Yesterday morning as I was laying in bed, I cracked a joke and made myself laugh. My husband looked at me in a way that only husbands do, and said, "You're Happy Holli again, aren't you?" He then told me he hasn't seen me laugh so much in a long time. His friends wife works with me, and he told me that she said I seem very upbeat and happy all the time at work.

There have been times since Brenna's birth/death that I have had no hope for the future. I would try to find something to look forward to, and I just couldn't. Everything felt hopeless. On the outside, I looked fine (at least I thought I did). People would think I was "doing great". But those who really know me, knew that I wasn't myself. I was just existing- wading through life. Taking this job was probably the best thing for me. I really love it. I'm good at it. I'm happier than I've been in 10 1/2 months. I really am. My husband said I don't yell at him anymore. That kind of made me feel bad. I didn't realize I was yelling at him a lot, and he didn't say anything, he just took it. I guess it's true what they say- you take it out on those closest to you. He said he sees the old, happy me coming back, and he's missed it.

So have I.