LET'S NOT REPEAT

I really don't want to have a repeat of last year where I drank too much and then cried all the way home after the fireworks. I don't understand why I was crying either, because that was one of the funnest nights in my life. Seriously, I still look at those pictures and laugh. We just had a ton of fun that night. I think it was the coming home part. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to go back to my life. I was tired of being sad, and if you mix sad and alcohol... watch out. I am not a sad drunk, I am not a crier. It was very unusual for me, and I don't plan on repeating it. This year I just feel different. I'm happy. I have things I am looking forward too. Last year, I couldn't say that. I'm not even close to the person I was this time last year. I feel like the old me. I laugh all the time. I enjoy life. I am happy. I still think of Brenna every single day. Usually many times a day. But thinking of her doesn't immediately make me want to cry. I have just accepted it as part of my life. As part of me. I can not change it.

I don't think I would want to anyway.

Have a SAFE Fourth Of July.

WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT

Last month one of my clients had a baby and I sent her a flower/plant to her office to congratulate her. Today I received a thank you note in the mail. It said thank you and went on to say how every time she looks at the plant she thinks of how lucky she is to have this little bundle of joy in her life, how in love they are, and how adorable the baby is. I was surprised by how much that note bothered me. It didn't bother me at all when she had the baby. It didn't bother me to go pick out a gift. I didn't think twice about it. I don't know if it was because I wasn't expecting it... For whatever reason that card made me feel sick to my stomach.

Just when I think I am OK, something happens that makes me realize I will never be over the loss of my daughter. I will always feel a twinge of pain every time I hear the words "dead baby". I think that as long as I live, I will keep having these little surprise twinges of pain.

I guess that's just one of the perks of being a deadbabymom.

I DON'T ALWAYS SWEAR

Let me clarify from my last post that I don't make it a habit to swear at my husband. Not even when I'm angry. I also have never thrown anything at him in our entire life. I was just so mad and relieved at the same time I lost it for a second. (I was also about 40 feet away from him, and knew I didn't have a shot in hell of hitting him.)
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I also have to share this little nugget I found at Post Secret. I just love it.

SCARIEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE

The worst possible thing happened to me today:

I came home from work, and no one was home. My husband has a golf league and leaves right before I get home, but my 12 year old should have been there. The TV is one. His laptop is open. The dishwasher is running. The back door is open. He is no where to be found. His shoes are by the door. He couldn't be far. I call him, and look all over the house. Nothing. I call the neighbor- hasn't seen him. I call his friend's mom- no answer. I call the neighbor- hasn't seen him. I walk around outside, and really start to worry. He's no where. I call my stepdaughter- she hasn't seen him. I keep calling my husband's cell phone- he doesn't answer. That isn't unusual because he doesn't have service on the golf course. I go back in the house and notice that the deadbolt is locked on the front door. If someone came, they would have to come to the back, and the dogs would have let everyone around know someone was here. I go next door (the house is literally in my back yard) and ask them if the the dogs have barked. I know they would go insane if anyone came to our house. Nope. They've been quiet all day. I go to the other neighbor and then the other. No one has seen him. The old lady down the road and another neighbor come out and start calling for him with me. I walk all over our property looking for him. Thinking maybe he fell and broke a leg. Nothing. I notice his track shoes are missing. I think maybe he took of running and hurt himself. There's only one road, and you can see for at least a mile each way, and I can't see anything. If he went that way he's not there anymore. I keep trying to call my husband. He isn't answering. I try to find the golf course number in the book, and I can't think straight. By this time I'm praying, and sick to my stomach. I literally think I'm going to throw up. I don't get panicky easily, but by now I'm full on panicked. I finally sit down on the deck and find the golf course number. I call and they tell me he left early because of the rain. Great, I think, he must be with his dad. I keep calling my husband, he still isn't answering. I call every place I think he could be. After a half an hour the neighbor girls says "Here he is. But he's alone. No one is in the car with him". My heart sinks. I can feel myself starting to cry. I run over and yell "Where is B?" He looks at me like I'm insane. I've got my hand on the phone ready to call the police. "He's at boy scouts" he tells me. "What!?!" I yell. "You asshole" I throw the phone at him, half in relief, half in anger. "Didn't you think I'd wonder where he is!?!" "Oh" says my husband "I didn't even think about it".

I seriously wanted to kill him. But I've never been so relieved in my life.

NOT BILLY MAYS TOO!!!!

I read on Yahoo (my only source of news) that Billy Mays (the Oxi Clean guy) died. I was just watching a commercial of his. I hardly ever see commercials anymore (thank you DVR) but I was watching one of his and I wondered why he was yelling every word. It was like he was so geeked up by the Kaboom that he couldn't contain himself. He did have an energy that I admired though. The article I read said he died in his sleep. If I had to choose, that's how I would want to go.

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Update on my missing dog: Someone contacted me this morning and said her mom lives a few miles away from me. She said that her mom had a female chihuahua that looked a lot like ours, and that her's was also stolen from her yard. It happened Saturday while she was having a yard sale. I am really, really bothered by this. It was almost more comforting when I thought he was probably dead. At least then I knew he wasn't afraid, and no one was hurting or neglecting him. Now I wonder what kind of wierdo he is with, and hope that they aren't being mean to him.

I keep asking my husband why couldn't they have taken our bad dog. Why'd they take the good one?

AM I THE ONLY ONE?

Even if you are living under a rock, you know by now that Michael Jackson is dead. Am I the only one who is bothered by all this media coverage talking about how sad his death is. These are the same reporters who were ready to burn him at the stake four years ago when he was on trial for child molestation. Hello? Remember that? He was like public enemy number one. Now he is like Jesus himself. I just don't get it.

The man was a performer. I'll give him that. He was amazing, and I don't think we'll ever see another performer like Michael Jackson in my lifetime.

But I just find it so hypocritical that those who used to bash him, now gush about how much they love him. Give me a break.

HAVE YOU SEEN ME?

Somebody stole my efing dog! I am serious. Our poor, old chihuahua Peanut was taken right out of our yard. That might not be all that shocking if I lived in an actual city- but I live on 20 acres out in the middle of no where. Someone would have to drive in my driveway or walk a long ways (miles) to get into my yard to get my dog. I get sick to my stomach thinking that someone may be out there being mean to him. So I'm hoping that where ever he is, he's being loved.

If you live in Michigan and see a small, skinny, tan chihuahua with a mole on his face- he's probably mine.