I'M A WINNER! :)

Breanna has awarded me my first ever blog award! Thanks Breanna!

The award states: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

So here are my eight nominees:

Kristi over at Rainbow Over My Broken Road. Her blog was the first one I've ever read. We belonged to the same birth club, and I remember reading that she lost Eli just days before I lost my Brenna. She was the first person who reached out to me. The first deadbabyland friend I ever had.

CLC over at Please Give Me Back My Heart. One of the first blogs I began to read regularly. Her bluntness hit home with me. She does not pretend to have all the answers, and I appreciate that.

Antigone over at Antigone Lost. After loosing her precious Henry, she found herself pregnant and facing a divorce. She picked up her pregnant self and moved across the country. Little Perseus was born happy and healthy just this month. It's a long journey- and she's sharing it with us.

Reese at Letters to Ronan. She recently wrote one of my all time favorite posts. If you have the time you should go over and read it.

No Swimmers over at No Swimmers in the Tubes No Bun in the Oven. She's pregnant again after loosing her twin girls. Sometimes she makes me laugh, sometimes she makes me cry.

Mrs. Spit over at Mrs. Spit Spouts Off. If it weren't for her my grammar would stink. I also think she's partly to blame for my love of knitting.

JenJen over at Lilly's Mommy Forever. She also suffered a ruptured uterus, and knows better than anyone else exactly what I went through.

And last but certainly not least Aunt Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka. Simply because she makes me laugh. I love her. (Bonus! If you go over right now you can see pictures of her ridiculously swollen feet!)

OK ladies- now it's YOUR turn to nominate eight people.

I'M JUST BEING REALISTIC

I sort of got bashed by another blogger commenter because of my views on miscarriage and stillbirth. I talked about this back in May and June, when another blogger helped shine some light on the subject for me. At the time my loss was fresh, and I had not gotten the certificate of stillbirth from the doctor yet. At that time I thought my loss was a "late term miscarriage". The term made my skin crawl, still does.

I know any loss is tragic. I get that. A first trimester baby is just as wanted and loved as a third trimester baby. I know that. But the fact of the matter is that I can't help but feel that I had it kind of easy as far as stillbirths go. I wasn't near my due date so I didn't have a nursery all set up waiting. My baby was delivered during surgery so I didn't have to physically birth her, or go through labor all the while knowing I was carrying a dead child. Does that make my loss any less painful? No. Does it make it easier to handle emotionally? Yes, I think it does. I had baby things at home, which was hard enough to come home to. But I did not have an entire nursery and all the cutesy little baby items waiting for me when I walked through the door empty handed. I can not imagine what that is like. I did not find out my baby was dead and have to walk around with her in my body, and decide how I was going to go about getting her out. Again, that is unimaginable to me.

I love Brenna. I wanted that baby with every fiber of my soul. I also have an 11 year old son. I can tell you that if anything ever happened to him it would be 10 million times harder than loosing Brenna. Not because I'm a heartless person who chooses one child over the other, but because I have spent the last 11 years of my life with my son. I know everything about him. We are bonded. If he was not here my life would change drastically. Unfortunately, I never got to know Brenna outside my womb. I carried her with me, but she was not a physical part of my day to day life. I only had her with me for a short time. After her loss, life quickly returned to normal. That does not mean I wasn't heartbroken- because I was (still am).

I guess what I'm saying is I'm just being realistic. I am only being honest when I tell you that I know in my heart there are people who've suffered losses far worse than mine. That does not mean I don't hurt because I do. All it means is that I am able to put myself in other people's shoes, and I understand that it's all a matter of perspective. My loss is horrible to me because it's the worst thing I've ever experienced. Just as someone's miscarriage is horrible to them because it's their worst experience. (Thanks CLC for that insite!)

I AM HAPPY

Yesterday morning as I was laying in bed, I cracked a joke and made myself laugh. My husband looked at me in a way that only husbands do, and said, "You're Happy Holli again, aren't you?" He then told me he hasn't seen me laugh so much in a long time. His friends wife works with me, and he told me that she said I seem very upbeat and happy all the time at work.

There have been times since Brenna's birth/death that I have had no hope for the future. I would try to find something to look forward to, and I just couldn't. Everything felt hopeless. On the outside, I looked fine (at least I thought I did). People would think I was "doing great". But those who really know me, knew that I wasn't myself. I was just existing- wading through life. Taking this job was probably the best thing for me. I really love it. I'm good at it. I'm happier than I've been in 10 1/2 months. I really am. My husband said I don't yell at him anymore. That kind of made me feel bad. I didn't realize I was yelling at him a lot, and he didn't say anything, he just took it. I guess it's true what they say- you take it out on those closest to you. He said he sees the old, happy me coming back, and he's missed it.

So have I.

WHITE BLOOD

I don't think I've ever told you about when I went into the hospital with my rupture. At the time we didn't know exactly what was going on. They told me that I needed surgery, but they weren't sure where I was bleeding. The surgeon came in and told us I would need a transfusion. I was in extreme pain. I have a very high pain tolerance, but this was getting so bad that towards the end I couldn't stand up straight. Needless to say we were all worried. We didn't know what was going to happen.

Then the nurse comes in. I couldn't tell you what she was doing, because I do not remember. The only thing I remember is what she said to us. (Mind you my husband and I are white people, and the nurse was a white lady). As she was getting ready to walk out of the room she put her hand on my leg and in a very reassuring voice said, "Don't worry, we'll try to get you some white blood. We don't want to give you any black-people blood." And then went onto to make some remark about craving "black food". My husband and I stared at her for what seemed like forever. I was so dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say. I believe I said something along the lines of not caring where it came from, as long as it was going to keep my heart pumping. At that point I think she realized that she said that to the wrong people, stammered something, and then got the hell out of the room. She never came back. It was so appalling to me, and even now thinking about it I can not believe that she said that to us. It just blows my mind.

I have family members from every color of the rainbow. My brother and sister are Asian. It's not something I even think about, so when people meet them for the first time they are often confused, and I have to explain to them that, yes, that black haired girl is my sister! My brother in law in Mexican. As a matter of fact, he started out his life as a migrant worker. He worked his way up in the company he's been with for about 30 years. He's made a great life for himself, and you couldn't meet a nicer guy. My cousin married a black guy, and they have three kids together. I could go on and on.

Which brings to the point of this post. I find it really appalling when people make nasty comments regarding our new president. I've heard a couple off-handed comments, and it drives me insane. Usually I have a quick comeback, or say something to make the person feel like the moron they are. I always make a mental note of it, and I never forget. People who say those things are not anyone I want to have anything to do with. Because I know that is how they truly feel, and I don't share those views.

I guess I feel the same way about our new president that I felt about the people who donated their blood to me: I don't care who they are or where they came from- they can save my life and get me out of the trouble I'm in- and I AM GLAD!

ANYONE WANT A DOG?

It is cold out. I was just in the car and the thermometer read -12. That is cold, friends. Very cold.

It's so cold out that my chihuahua doesn't want to outside. Yesterday he decided to pee on me. Seriously. He lifted his leg and peed right on my leg. I have never had that happen in my life. I do not know what he was thinking. He must be delirious from the cold.

Life has been busy with work, which is good. My husband got laid off today, which is bad. But we'll be OK. It's typical for his line of work. He'll be back in a month or so.

Lately I've been feeling like I've been pushing my feelings onto the back burner. I just don't want to be bogged down with grief again. I don't have time for it. When I feel it welling up, I ignore it. I'm not sure grief is even the right word. I guess it's just my feelings in general. I haven't taken the time to process them. I'm sure that can't be good for my mental health.

I had a horrible dream about babies two nights ago. I dreamt that we had a baby girl, but something was wrong with her. No matter what we did, she kept getting sicker, and he health was getting worse. But I loved her to death, and I didn't realize that there was anything wrong with her because I loved her so much. I'm not sure why it was so disturbing to me. I couldn't sleep after that.

I don't really know where I stand on the whole baby making front. Part of me desperatly wants a baby. But part of me feels like our life is so good right now, I'm afraid to mess with it. What if things don't turn out the way I want, will I be able to handle that? Will my family be able to handle that? There are just so many unknowns, and I guess, when it comes down to it, I am afraid. I'll admit it. I am afraid of what the future would hold for us if we go down the baby path.

I'm also afraid that even if we do have another baby, I will always have this nagging feeling that something (or someone) is missing. I don't think another baby would fix that.

CREEPS HAVE BABIES TOO

The job is going along really well. I'm learning pretty quickly. They like me, I like them, life is good. It is good to keep my mind so occupied. It's funny though. There are times when I still think of her during the day. When someone mentions being pregnant or a baby dying- I find myself thinking of her. My first day at work I was at a museum and I was looking at the things on the walls. There was a picture of a family, and it told about the children. It said they lost two babies. It caught my off guard. I had to catch my breath. I could instantly relate to those people, who have been dead for almost 100 years. But I could feel their pain. I wonder if I will always feel that way...
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There was also this creepy computer guy at my office today. He kept going on and on about his girlfriend having his baby and blah, blah, blah. All I could think of is, how is that guy getting a baby? But I guess, creeps have babies too.
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Things have settled with my friend. I just laid it all down and told her exactly how I felt. I felt like a ton of bricks have been lifted from me.
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Family life has been interesting to say the least. (My hubby and I are getting a long great. The problems aren't ours!) What do you do when you know a family member who you love has done something, and they are too embarassed to tell you? Do you bring it up? Or do you do what I've done and just not said anything? What do you do if it's still causing them problems more than a year later? Do you bring it up to help them out, or do you keep your mouth shut unless they ask for advice?

I know I'm being kind of vague, but it's not my story to tell so I don't feel comfortable sharing the information. All I can say is that there is someone who I am close to who is having a hard time right now, and I would like to help them. But I think they are afraid to come to me because they are embarassed to admit some things they have done. The thing is I already know what they did. I've known all along. I have just kept my mouth shut because I figured that if they wanted me to know they would have told me.

That do you think? Bring it up, or shut up?

COME ON '09, YOU CAN DO BETTER!

2009 is really messing with me. Good one day, crap the next. Today I got my car stuck in the snow. What fun. Also, my husband thinks my car is leaking transmission fluid. Not what I wanted to hear.

Aside from that things are OK. My new job is spectacular! I really like it. I am going to be taking down the pictures on the right (so if you want to remember what we look like- take a good long look!). I work with the public a lot, and I'm not sure how I would feel if one of my clients ran across this blog. I'd like to keep this part of my life mine- you know what I mean?

Other than that nothing very exciting has been happening. I had to cancel my appointment with my OB, because it was on my first day of the new job. So I will be going next week. I am kind of nervous as to what he will say. That will be when my hubby and I will have to have a serious baby talk. If we are not going to have anymore babies one of us is going to have to get snipped. I for one have had too much surgery, and I refuse to have my tubes tied. I say he's the one who doesn't want babies- he's the one to get the surgery.

Remember the Vasectomy Debate? My husband told me he wouldn't have the surgery because, "We can't risk a malfunction". I am dead serious. Even as I type those words I still laugh because I can't believe he said something so ridiculous. It still boggles my mind why he doesn't trust the doctor to put a tiny cut in his "family jewels" but thinks it's perfectly OK that he cuts me open! I just don't understand his logic.

I'm not pressing for a vasectomy, however. I'm waiting until March, and if the babymaking is still a no go, then we will talk vasectomy. I'm 32, he's 48. I don't want another surprise baby 5 or 10 years down the road.

PS- Go visit No Swimmers and share in her complete joy. She just got a BFP after loosing her twin girls.