2008

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Lost a baby, almost died, lost an uncle

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
never do it because I stink at keeping them

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
several people I know had babies

4. Did anyone close to you die?
besides my baby? my uncle, my husband's friend, and my best friend's fiance

5. What countries did you visit?
the US

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Money, fertility

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 5th the day that my baby was born/died and the day I almost lost my life
October 5th the day they found my best friend's fiance dead, also my grandson's birthday

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
keeping my sanity, and I really mean that

9. What was your biggest failure?
I can't really think of anything

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
my uterus ruptured and I almost bled to death

11. What was the best thing you bought?
we got my son a really nice laptop for his birthday

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my mother- she took care of me when I needed her most (and I didn't even ask her to!)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
almost all of my friends, who I discovered were very self-centered

14. Where did most of your money go?
bills, bills, bills what else is there?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
honestly? nothing

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Lullaby by the Dixie Chicks

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? thinner or fatter? richer or poorer? sadder (although not as sad as I could be), I weigh about the same, and I'm (hopefully) getting richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
praying

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
crying

20. How did you spend Christmas?
with family

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
with my hubby, all the time

22. How many one-night stands?
zero

23. What was your favorite TV program?
house, psych, monk, the soup, prison break

24. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year?
no

25. What was the best book you read?
I don't think I finished any books this year

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Music of Led Zeppelin, that was really interesting

27. What did you want and get?
I survived my surgery

28. What did you want and not get?
I think we all know the answer to that one

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I'm not sure. I love almost every movie I see

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went to the bar w/ family and friends (too much fun) I turned 32

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
a living baby

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
pajama casual ;)

33. What kept you sane?
God

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I'm not sure, but Wentworth Miller from Prison Break is pretty yummy

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
the whole election was pretty mesmerizing

36. Who did you miss?
who do you think?

37. Who was the best new person you met?
my new friend Lee Ann. She's great.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?
I'm stronger than I think.


39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor,
but I've been here before,

I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way,
but hear me when i say,

I will stand back up,
Youll know just the moment when ive have enough,
Sometimes im afraid, and i dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees
more times than youd believe,

When the darkness tries to get me,
Theres a light that just wont let me,
It might take my pride,
and my tears may fill my eyes,

But I'll stand back up,
I've weathered all these stroms,
But i just turn them into wind, so i can fly,
What dont kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
Thats when I'll just give up,

So, go ahead to take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you cant keep me down,
'Cause I'll stand back up,

And you'll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes im afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,
Youll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

Stand Back Up- Sugarland

ONE DAY DOWN

So the new job isn't as terrible as I feared. I'd even venture to say I like it. The people are great. We really clicked. They know a lot of the same people I know. I have high hopes for this job. I think maybe 2009 was just teasing me... we will see.

My new boss asked me the dreaded question: How many kids do you have?

Well, actually he asked me how old my kids were, so that one was easier to answer. The "how many" one is the one that gets me. I just wasn't ready to hash out the whole dead baby drama to my new boss and his wife at our first business lunch. I'm sure eventually I will tell them, but my first day wasn't the day to do it.

2009, I THINK YOU SUCK TOO!!!!

2009 has not been good to me. I put my car in a ditch today. I narrowly avoided a head on collision, and the ditch was my only other option. Of course this is the one time in my life that I leave without my cell phone. So I had to knock on a strangers door (who was very nice by the way) to use the phone. After calling 5 people, who I couldn't get, I finally got ahold of someone to come get me. Only to have the cop tell me I had to have it towed right then. Good times, people, good times.

Luckily the car isn't damaged. My neck hurts like H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks but I think I'll be OK after a good nights rest and some mot.rin.

I start my new job tomorrow. I am nervous because I just don't know what to expect. It's a small company, so there aren't that many employees, but the ones I've met seem very nice. I guess I'm just not going to get my hopes up. I'm praying that this job doesn't end up in the "too good to be true" file. I'll let you know.

WHAT A NIGHTMARE

GLOW IN THE WOODS 7 X 7

1 Welcome to 2009. What have you left behind in the year just past? What do you hope to find in the year to come?

I have left behind the old me, and I hope to find part of her again. The always happy, always optimistic part.



2 We’ve just come through the season in which our culture touts cheer and peace and family togetherness rather relentlessly. How did your child’s death impact your experience of the “holiday” season, personally or culturally?

Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I expected to be bawling my eyes out. But instead I choose to focus on the family I still have here with me, and to be fully present for them.



3 If you celebrate in any way through December, are there ways you include or acknowledge your lost baby/babies?

My mother bought me an ornament for the tree that is engraved with her name, and has an opening for a picture. I put the photo of her footprints in it. Instead of packing it away until next year, I decided to keep it out. Right now it's hanging on the mirror in my bedroom.



4 Through the year are there any holidays, seasons, or parts of what were once cherished rituals that have changed for you because of your child’s death?


None. My family and I still have to live our life.



5 Do you do anything to remember your baby/babies’ birth and/or death day? Or will you?

I will. My son is already asking if he has to go to school on that day. (He doesn't!) I plan on taking the day off from work and spending it with him.



6 Is there anything about the winter season (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere right now) that lifts your spirits? Is there anything that especially brings them down?

NOTHING! Especially in Michigan when the weather is not at all enjoyable.



7 During your hardest times, how have you found your way forward?

I do not know. I really don't. But, I think blogging is the most cathartic thing I have ever done.

POST #200

I just quickly wanted to share with you the gift that my mom gave me today. In case you don't remember, dragonflies are my little way of remembering Brenna. My mom bought this necklace for me. It's a ruby and diamond dragonfly. I happened to see the receipt because she saved in case I didn't like it (how could I not?). I briefly considered giving it back because she got it on sale. :) But, I decided to humor her, and keep it.

But seriously, thanks mom! I love it.

ANXIETY and DREAD

I have not had a good nights sleep all year (get it? That's the extent of the joking for this post). We didn't go out for New Years because we were both exhausted. Would you believe it if I told you that we fell asleep at 8 pm? We did. I woke up at 10 and called to cancel our plans. I was looking forward to going out because last year we stayed in because I was on bed rest due to a subrionic bleed. I thought this year would be our fun year. I was very wrong.

Thursday night I kept waking up, dreaming about my poor cat. Friday the vet called to tell me she though we were just "treading water" and that we would have to discuss our options on Saturday morning. My new boss also called to ask me to start work on Monday. I had to tell her I couldn't start Monday because I'm already committed to work 3 days next week at my old job. (They hadn't given me a start date yet.) So I had to work that out and make phone calls. Needless to say I did not sleep well Friday night. I kept dreaming about the new job, the cat, how this is all going to effect my son... not good. We brought Simba home Saturday and I was syringe feeding him. He slept in the bathroom right by my bed (warmest spot in the house). So all night Saturday night I kept on waking up to check on him. When I did fall asleep I was dreaming about him. That night was a very restless night too.

I am exhausted. I am nervous. Ever since my new boss called I have had this feeling of dread I can not shake. I am feeling very anxious. That is a new feeling for me. I rarely get nervous or anxious about anything. I've been feeling this way for a few days now. I thought I would be excited about the job, but I've found that since loosing the baby I haven't really allowed myself to get excited about anything. Maybe it's a coping thing, I'm not sure. All I know is that instead of the normal excitement I'd expect to feel when given an opportunity like this- all I feel is dread.

To top it all off today marks 10 months since I lost Brenna. It feels like 10 years.