I have to admit that the loss of my child had taken it's toll on my relationship with God. As much as I would like to tell you it has strengthened and never wavered- I am only human and that is not true. I still have faith, but I have caught myself halfheartedly praying because I sometimes don't have much faith in the power of prayer anymore. I know it's because I am a spoiled brat. I have always gotten what I prayed for in the past. My prayers have always been answered. Loosing my child is the first time I can think of that my prayer was not answered. Not in the least. Sometimes I would pray for something, and it wouldn't happen but something else would and it would be immediately clear why I didn't get what I wanted. And His way always ended up being better.
After Brenna was taken from us, I did not (and still don't) see the plan B that He has for me. I still do not see the reason. Is it so that I would learn of the world of baby loss? So that I would write this blog? Because if that is the case, I'm sorry, but I would much rather have never even heard of any of you. Had I not lost my baby, I would never even know deadbabyland existed. I can't imagine that is the reason, but I am still waiting for it.
While I wait I still ask Him to lead me. Last night, I prayed. I prayed that my cat wouldn't suffered. I told God I wanted him to come back to me. I told him that I didn't want to have to make the decision to put him to sleep. I couldn't imagine taking him into the vets office and ending his life. I wanted him to be here, at home. This morning my husband woke up early, and went to Simba. He held him and told him he loved him. And he meant it. He laid him down so he could rest, but something told him to go back to him. He went back and held him some more. As he was petting him, Simba let out a big sigh, put his head down, and breathed his last breath. My husband's sobs woke me up this morning. I went in and petted him, and told him goodbye. While I was petting him I realized that my prayers were answered. Just not the way I wanted them to be: Simba died at home, we didn't have to put him to sleep, he was being loved, and he didn't suffer. Although it isn't want I asked for, it was what I wanted. Which made me think of Brenna. I always wanted a little girl- and I have one.
Sometimes our prayers are answered, and we don't even realize it.
I started this blog in 2008 after the stillbirth of my daughter. Now it's not just about loss, but about life.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Things do not look good.
My poor little Simba is not doing well. He responded well the first day, but after that he regressed. We decided to bring him home, hoping that being here with us would perk him up. I don't think he has moved.
I know it seems so stupid to be so upset about a cat. I know it does. But I can't help it. He's been part of our life the entire time I've known my husband. He's moved with us. He's been through the good and bad. He is also a tangible link to my step-daughter's now deceased mother.
This past year has been full of loss. We've lost two friends, my uncle, our child. I just can't face loosing someone else. Even if that someone is a cat.
For now, I am feeding him with a syringe. If we can get him eating then his outlook is good. But right now, he shows no interest at all.
I'm still hopful.
I know it seems so stupid to be so upset about a cat. I know it does. But I can't help it. He's been part of our life the entire time I've known my husband. He's moved with us. He's been through the good and bad. He is also a tangible link to my step-daughter's now deceased mother.
This past year has been full of loss. We've lost two friends, my uncle, our child. I just can't face loosing someone else. Even if that someone is a cat.
For now, I am feeding him with a syringe. If we can get him eating then his outlook is good. But right now, he shows no interest at all.
I'm still hopful.
Friday, January 2, 2009
FAMILY DRAMA
I live about two hours away from my dad. We see each other when we can. Talk on the phone about twice a month. There are a few events that we attend together every year. About two years ago my dad starting dating this lady. Well call him WW (for Wicked Witch- can you tell where this is going?) When we first met her two years ago we are were pleasantly surprised. She was pretty, nice, and really seemed to be into my dad. We were all happy for my dad, because none of us really remember him dating anyone seriously before. My husband (he's so wise) kept saying he was "waiting for her horns to come out". As in she was too good to be true. She was.
My dad started telling me things about her that I found annoying. I just chalked it up to insecurity. Then he skipped one of our annual events to go to a concert with WW. That bothered me because it's something we've done every year of my sons life, and we always looked forward to it. We still went, but his presence was missed. And, honestly, I was mad he didn't go. But, I figured that he lives so far away from us, I should just keep my mouth shut and get along with her since I don't see them that much. We did attend the second event together, but he brought her. He had to spend the entire time taking care of her and standing in the shade because she was hot. My favorite part was when she was trying to seek shade in a 4 foot tall tree. She has hanging onto the branches, looking utterly miserable and exhausted. I was embarassed. Did I mention that my dad lied to my 90 year old grandma and told her he wasn't going? Yeah, because if my grandma came, then WW wouldn't come because she thinks my dad "pays too much attention" to his mom. She's 90 years old and still lives in her own home- I think she deserved a little attention. I was very mad at my dad for that one.
They came over for Christmas last year, right after I found out I was pregnant. That is when I really started to dislike her. I'm not sure if it was when she went on and on about my dad's "cute butt" in front of everyone inlcuding my 2 year old grandson and 10 year old son. Or if it was the fact that she sat on the arm of my couch the whole time so she could hang all over my dad. It was probably a combination of everything, but I really did not like that woman when she left.
At my stepdaughter's wedding she made my dad leave early because she was pissed he was talking to my mom. My parents have been divored for more than 25 years. I guarantee there are no sparks there.
The morning of Brenna's funeral I kept telling everyone that WW better not come. I didn't think I could be nice to her if she started her crap. She didn't come. In fact, to this day she has never said one word about anything I have went through. No "Good to see you" "How are you feeling" "Sorry" "Screw you". Nothing. That still bothers me.
My dad called me towarn me tell me that he gave her a ring for Christmas. It wasn't exactly an engagement ring, but it was more of a symbol of his intention to marry her. At first she was happy. Then she told him she didn't want it. Then she told him that if they were going to get married he needed to sell his house (?). Back and forth, drama, drama, drama...
Today my dad called me to tell me he was coming alone to celebrate Christmas this weekend. (Yay!) Turns out WW gave him the ring back. She told him that she was pissed he got it on sale. He said he was shocked because she came out of no where with this as they had discussed it a week ago and everything was settled. Then WW grabbed his face and was yelling in his face "Are you gonna cry? Are you sad?". I finally just told my dad how I felt about her. Actually I just said, "I'm sorry dad, but she is a bitch. I'm sick of hearing this. You don't need this". He was very quiet and didn't really say anything. I think maybe I hurt his feelings, because he does still care of her. (Although I can't imagine why.)
My intention was not to hurt my dad. The last time we talked about this I told him that it was the same thing over and over and I was going to tell him what I tell my girlfriends: You have no one to blame but yourself. You know how s/he acts. You know what's going to happen. There is no one to blame but you. If you don't like it then do something about it. Stop complaining to me.
It's so funny because one of my brother's is just like him. (Remember the crazy girlfriend).
Sorry to bore you with all this family drama, but I just had to get it out. It's been driving me INSANE!
My dad started telling me things about her that I found annoying. I just chalked it up to insecurity. Then he skipped one of our annual events to go to a concert with WW. That bothered me because it's something we've done every year of my sons life, and we always looked forward to it. We still went, but his presence was missed. And, honestly, I was mad he didn't go. But, I figured that he lives so far away from us, I should just keep my mouth shut and get along with her since I don't see them that much. We did attend the second event together, but he brought her. He had to spend the entire time taking care of her and standing in the shade because she was hot. My favorite part was when she was trying to seek shade in a 4 foot tall tree. She has hanging onto the branches, looking utterly miserable and exhausted. I was embarassed. Did I mention that my dad lied to my 90 year old grandma and told her he wasn't going? Yeah, because if my grandma came, then WW wouldn't come because she thinks my dad "pays too much attention" to his mom. She's 90 years old and still lives in her own home- I think she deserved a little attention. I was very mad at my dad for that one.
They came over for Christmas last year, right after I found out I was pregnant. That is when I really started to dislike her. I'm not sure if it was when she went on and on about my dad's "cute butt" in front of everyone inlcuding my 2 year old grandson and 10 year old son. Or if it was the fact that she sat on the arm of my couch the whole time so she could hang all over my dad. It was probably a combination of everything, but I really did not like that woman when she left.
At my stepdaughter's wedding she made my dad leave early because she was pissed he was talking to my mom. My parents have been divored for more than 25 years. I guarantee there are no sparks there.
The morning of Brenna's funeral I kept telling everyone that WW better not come. I didn't think I could be nice to her if she started her crap. She didn't come. In fact, to this day she has never said one word about anything I have went through. No "Good to see you" "How are you feeling" "Sorry" "Screw you". Nothing. That still bothers me.
My dad called me to
Today my dad called me to tell me he was coming alone to celebrate Christmas this weekend. (Yay!) Turns out WW gave him the ring back. She told him that she was pissed he got it on sale. He said he was shocked because she came out of no where with this as they had discussed it a week ago and everything was settled. Then WW grabbed his face and was yelling in his face "Are you gonna cry? Are you sad?". I finally just told my dad how I felt about her. Actually I just said, "I'm sorry dad, but she is a bitch. I'm sick of hearing this. You don't need this". He was very quiet and didn't really say anything. I think maybe I hurt his feelings, because he does still care of her. (Although I can't imagine why.)
My intention was not to hurt my dad. The last time we talked about this I told him that it was the same thing over and over and I was going to tell him what I tell my girlfriends: You have no one to blame but yourself. You know how s/he acts. You know what's going to happen. There is no one to blame but you. If you don't like it then do something about it. Stop complaining to me.
It's so funny because one of my brother's is just like him. (Remember the crazy girlfriend).
Sorry to bore you with all this family drama, but I just had to get it out. It's been driving me INSANE!
WELCOME TO THE WORLD PERSEUS
Please join me in welcoming Antigone's son "Perseus" to the world. Her story is a hard one, but tonight I would say it has a very happy ending. Welcome to the world little boy.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)