Not Me Monday

I am not sick again today.

I am not concerned that I keep on getting sick because I had 5 units of blood transfused into my body.

I did not have to recount the whole ordeal of my surgery, stillbirth, etc. to my family doctor today.

I do not have to get blood drawn.

I am not sick of being sick.

I do not want to crawl into bed and sleep all day.

I am not going to do that right now! :)

I AM A PROBLEM SOLVER

I am a problem-solver, not a problem-haver. I am the person who everyone goes to when they need advice. I am the shoulder to cry on. The person to call in the middle of the night. I am not the person who calls you in the middle of the night, or who cries on your shoulder. I don't know why I am that way, I just am. Lately it seems, when I've reached out to my so called friends, they don't know what to do or how to handle it because they have never had to help me. I am always helping them. So the subject is quickly changed to their own problems and how I can advise them. I'm beginning to see how one-sided these so called friendships are, and I saddened by the fact that it took my baby passing for me to realize it.
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On a totally unrelated note: I found out by accident that my brother is talking to The Crazy Bitch again. For those of you who don't know, she was his girlfriend who faked a pregnancy to keep him around. Then, six weeks after my daughter's stillbirth, she had the nerve to fake her "babies" death and call me and look for sympathy. (FYI- there never was any baby!) She is all kinds of crazy, and I knew right away that he was talking to her again because he started talking about her again. As in "She is so crazy", "She won't leave me alone". I knew that he was talking to her again. And I was right because I caught her at his house. I didn't say anything to him about it, because honestly what is the point? It will turn into me looking like the crazy asshole, and him defending himself, and that is not what I want. It was a few weeks ago, and I haven't said anything to anyone. I don't think I even told my husband. My stepdaughter and I talked about it, and she was so livid she wanted to drive over there and punch them both. I don't know what is going on with them, and I don't really care. If he has so little respect for me, then why waste my time on him. But I am still mad that he would even talk to her. No matter what the reason. If the tables were turned I would never talk to that person again. I love my brother more than that.
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Also, I had a job interview this week. It went very well and they really liked me. It's a pretty lucrative position and it will double our household income. But, it's a lot of hours. I don't see being able to have a baby and keep that job. So if I don't get the job I will take that as the Universe's way of telling me a baby is in my future. Am I an optomist or what?

Nine Months

It's been nine months today since I've lost my baby.

I could have grown a whole new baby in the time you've been gone. But I don't want another baby. I really wanted you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, or want you here with me. The hole in my heart is not healing, and I don't think it ever will.

I'm just learning to live with it.

PLEASE SUPPORT

I ran across this blog today, and I thought I would share it with all of you. Trish and Dustin will be delivering their son Max tomorrow. Max has been diagnosed with trisomy 18. It's uncertain how long he will live. Please take a moment and visit them to lend your words of support.

And the Winner is...

Connie, Jen, and Mrs. Spit! Congrats ladies. I've sent you all emails.

That was fun. I have to think of something else to give away...

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I wanted to share this site with you. I am in no way affiliated with it, but it has some fantastic gifts for someone who is missing a baby this holiday season.
http://gifts.cafepress.com/infant-loss




I also wanted to give you something for Christmas. So, I've decided to give away personalized DVD's to three of you. These usually cost $100 each! I will make them for you and mail them to you for free! All you have to do is email me the pictures you would like to use and tell me what songs you would like (or I can pick them out!). Below are a few examples of videos that I have made. I can make whatever kind you would like. Usually I make several different videos like those below, and put them together on one DVD. They make the greatest presents! (Please keep in mind that you will be emailing me the photos. I can use up to 200 pictures, so you will probably want to have high speed Internet access). I will burn an image and title directly on the DVD. It's not a paper label. I wish I had a photo to show you, but I don't sorry. You'll just have to trust me. :) Also, US mailing addresses only please.


How do you get this you ask? Send me an email. I have set up an email specifically for this. Tomorrow at 7 pm (my time) I will use a random number generator to pick 3 numbers. If you are that number email, you will get the present! (After I am done I'm going to delete the emails, I don't want you to think I'm going to send you spam or sell your addresses. I'm not.)

The email address I have set up is brennasmom@rocketmail.com


Merry Christmas, friends. And thanks for reading.

Part of a video I made for my stepdad's retirement.

My son.

Part of a memorial video for my husband's aunt.

Part of a family video.

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK ALOT LIKE CHRISTMAS