I AM AFRAID

Before I start this post, I want to tell our all of our Vetrans thank you for your service to our country!

I'm afraid. I'll admit it. I have been thinking about having another baby. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. We just passed the date when Brenna was concieved. That's probably why I've been thinking about babies so much lately. Part of me wants another baby, but another part of me doesn't. Part of me is confident that I will have a live baby if I get pregnant again. The other part of me is scarred shitless.



I love the blog To Write Their Names In The Sand. What Carly and her husband do is beautiful and amazing. It means so much to families who've lost children. I sneak over and look at the photos from time to time. What has stuck me though, is how many people have lost more than one child. Some families have lost three. I know many people, Jenell, Mandy, Mrs. Muelly, and Jaded to name a few, who've suffered multiple losses. My doctor told me that the chances of having an unscarred uterus rupture is about the same as getting stuck by lightening. The chances are the same for suffering multiple losses. I'm not feeling very lucky.

It just makes me nervous. I think I could handle it, but I don't think my poor son can. He's only 11, and loosing Brenna really affected him. He was heartbroken, and we ended up taking him to counseling. I could not put him through that again.

My husband and I talked about it the other day and he told me he's afraid that I would die, and he's not sure it's worth the risk.

But, truth be told, I think it's worth it. I know it's worth it.

NOT ME

OK, so I saw this on someone else's blog, and I'm stealing it. Sorry! I'm not very creative lately. My mind is blank.

• Today is not my husband's birthday.
• I did not spend more than I planned on his gift.
• I did not tell my son that I better get a good present for my birthday after buying his dad all this stuff.
• I did not fall back asleep this morning.
• My son was not late for school. (Actually, this one is true!)
• I do not know how he made it in time. (Also true!)
• My dog did not roll is poop for the umpteenth time this week.
• I did not consider letting her stay covered in poop.
• I am not tired of bathing her.
• I did not eat a cupcake after dinner.
• I certainly did not eat two!
• They were not spectacular!
• My son did not get all A's and one B+ on his report card.
• That is not the best report card he's ever gotten.
• I do not now owe him $250 because of that report card.
• I am not sorry I made a deal with him three years ago that we would pay him for his grades. (Actually, I'm not sorry at all)
• I did not enjoy writing this! ;)

Things I have learned.

Lessons I've learned from loosing my baby.

1. Pregnancy does not always equal baby. Even if you make it past the first 12 weeks.

2. Follow your gut. If you have a nagging feeling that something is wrong- it probably is.

3. Dead babies make people very uncomfortable.

4. Deadbabymamas make people uncomfortable too.

5. Referring to your deadbaby as a miscarriage makes people feel more comfortable.

6. No one knows what to say when your baby dies. So most people say nothing.

7. When someone does say something, you will never forget it.

8. Expect a long, awkward silence when you mention your baby.

9. You will think about your baby long after everyone else has forgotten.

10. My mom will do anything for me.

11. My mom is the only other person who truly understand how I feel about this. Even more so than my husband.

12. Watching your daughter suffer a loss must be horrible.

13. There are people who you think you can count on, but when it comes down to it, you can't.

14. Some people will suprise you, in good ways and in bad.

15. Your relationships with people will change. Many people simply will not know what to say or how to act around you. You will slowly drift apart.

16. Abdominal surgery hurts like hell.

17. You will forget the physical pain.

18. You won't ever forget the emotional pain.

19. Your heart can literally feel like it's broken. It is a physical pain you can not imagine.

20. It's OK not to cry. We all grieve differently. Just because society expects a grieving mother to be a weepy mess doesn't mean she has to be.

21. You will look better on the outside then you are on the inside.

22. If you don't tell people you are hurting, they will never know.

23. It's OK to tell people when you are hurting.

24. Don't forget the family you still have. They need you.

25. Writing helps.

They Didn't Make It

I have been bad at keeping you updated.

Jenell's twins did not make it. Their names are Alexis and Ashlen, and they are joining their big sister Makenna is heaven. My heart literally sank when I read that they had not made it. I honestly felt like they were bringing those girls home.

They have now lost three babies in 10 months. How is that possible? How do you "get over" that?

Please, please, please, take a moment and let Jenell know you are thinking of her. You're support has meant so much to me, I'm sure it will mean even more to her.

Thanks!

Thank you for voting for my picture. Right now I'm in first place. :)

I swear, if I could have any job in the world I'd love to be a photographer. Can you say dream job? If I win I'll get $300 which I'm going to use to pamper myself. Hey, I think I deserve it. This year has been hell!

I also wanted to tell my mom thanks. She bought me a beautiful dragonfly necklace the other day. She read my blog and read the post about dragonflies. She said she saw that necklace and knew she had to get it. It's silver and small and really my taste. I've worn it almost everyday since she gave it to me. THANKS MOM!

Also, her friend gave me a really cute dragonfly clip. I love it. I'm going to post a picture of both of them tomorrow. Thanks Deb.

Speaking of dragonflies, has anyone noticed that my new header has dragonflies in it? That's why I picked it out!

It's late. I have a real post coming soon. I promise! :)

Please vote for my picture!

8 Months

I still miss you.