Prayers Needed

My BBC "friend" Jenell is in the hospital at 21 weeks with her twins. All I know is that her bag of waters is bulging and they have her inverted. She also suffers from PCOS and struggled to concieve. Please send her all the positive energy you can. No one can handle the loss of three children in less than a year.

Her Name in the Sand

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/10/brenna-johnson.html

The Choice

My friend's cousin died yesterday in a car accident. He wasn't someone I knew very well, but my husband was casual friends with him. I was online signing the guestbook for the funeral home, when I read something that I had to share with you all. It was written by the mother of one of his friends.

"...He became one of many boys who called me "Ma!" ... T___ had a way of touching everyone's heart. The thing I look forward to in entering Heaven, is hearing T___'s voice yelling, "Maaaa!" May the Lord hold and comfort you and your family as you face the coming days. May your memories and those of others comfort you. May you realize that Jesus weeps with you. And may you come to see that whatever you are feeling, it's okay. May you make the choice not to become bitter and closed, but open. And may you realize that God is sitting with you, fully present, grieving your loss- but also restoring you. And in that, may you find hope. Much Love, J___"

The part that sticks out to me is "May you make the choice not to become bitter and closed, but open". I've never thought of it as a choice, but it is. We either choose to dwell on our loss forever, or accept it and move on. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting, it just means letting go. Letting go of the anger, and the sadness, and the depression, even the guilt. It's not easy. But it's doable. It's also necessary if you ever want to have any semblance of a life.

I also appreciate when she says whatever they are feeling is OK. It's nice to know that you are not insane or evil for feeling some of the feelings that go along with grief.

I wish someone would have told me this when I lost my baby.

We All Have A Little Fight In Us

So it's safe to say I now live in a small rural town. I grew up in the city, but moved out here with my husband after his father died. His mom was alone, on a farm. We moved out here to help her out, and had plans on moving back within a year. That was 12 years ago.

Our community is small. It's the kind of place where everyone knows everyone's business. Rumors spread like wildfire. Secrets are few in this town. But it's also a very safe place to live. Up until a month ago, I didn't even carry a key to my house. We just didn't lock it when we left. Still don't most of the time. Crime is rare in my town. I doubt the police would even know how to investigate a serious crime. Drunk driving is the most frequent crime in this town.

That's why what happened here a few weeks ago was so shocking.

A woman awoke to find a man standing over her bed. This woman is our school's crossing guard. She's so nice to everyone, always smiling and waving. I don't think she has an enemy in the world. She's just a really wonderful person that everyone knows as "the crossing guard lady". She's also batteling cancer. Even through cancer, she's still at work everyday helping the kids cross the street.

Well, she woke up to see a man standing over her bed. She could smell that he had been drinking. He told her she was going to get what she deserved. Her 12-year-old son was asleep in the next room. She didn't want to wake him, or put him in danger. She also didn't want to get raped. She fought the man. They made some noise and her son woke up. He went to her room to investigate. When the man saw her son he told her that if she didn't do what he wanted, he was going to hurt her child. Bad idea. Her motherly instincts kicked in and she kicked the shit out of this guy. So much so that he ran to get away from her. She left so many marks on him that when word got out what had happened he was easily identified from the marks. His family turned him in.

What he didn't know (and no one else knew either) was that our sweet little crossing guard used to be a Detroit City police officer. She's also a black belt in karate. Afterwards she said it was the threat to her son that sent her off. The instinct of a mother is a wonder of nature.

B___ you are my hero!

Jolted

I'm sure this has happend to everyone. Today I was dozing off, and out of the blue I was jolted awake with the thought, 'My baby is dead!' Why at that exact moment? I do not know. I was almost asleep. It made me think for a few minutes. I still can't believe this has happened to me. I still can't wrap my mind around it. It's still surreal.

A few minutes ago I was updating my profile on BBC (babycenter) and I went to the section where you put your kids birthday. Ouch!

It had filled in the info for Brenna based on my due date. It had her birthday as 08/08/08 and her age as two months. Wow. She should be two months old right now. That hurt. It's the first time in a long time that anythings hurt, but that did. I try no to drive myself crazy thinking about how old she should/would be. I don't keep track of that. So when it's pushed right into your face it's a little hard to ignore.

Last night we went out with friends. One of them is the friend who was pregnant the same time I was. She's the one who has a girl. We had fun, it didn't bother me. She showed me pictures of her baby and I didn't get sad.

I have a friend who just got done with her first round of IVF. She found out of Friday that it worked! I am genuinely happy for her! They've been trying for a long time, and I really am happy for her.

But then I look at pictures of a friends baby on Face.book, and I get jealous, sad, depressed... mad.

I don't know why some things bother me and others don't. For the most part nothing bothers me anymore. But then something will happen, and it's like a stab in the heart.

Grief, I just don't understand it.

Coincidence? I think not.

"A true friend can see the suffering in your eyes,

while everyone else just sees the smile on your face."

Here's a weird thing my Amber and I talked about tonight:

Last year on November 10th we got together and celebrated my husband's birthday. We had a spectacular time. My brothers came out and stayed the night at my house, Amber was the designated drive. She met Rob that night. I got pregnant with Brenna.

Tonight we talked about how life changing that day was, and how unaware of it we were. Amber said something that I don't think I will ever forget: "We were both given someone who was precious to us that night. Only to have them taken away." Then she asked me why I thought it happened. I didn't have an answer for her.

When I introduced her to Rob, I thought they might hit it off, but I had no idea they would fall in love like that. They really were perfect for each other. She said he was the love of her life, and she fears she won't ever love anyone like that again.

I'm certain that I got pregnant on November 10th because we had house guests for two weeks, and November 10th is the only time conception could have taken place if you get my drift (can you say dry spell!). I know that is when it happened. And I too am afraid that I will never have another baby to love again.

Amber is out here basically all alone. Rob's family is great to her, but honestly they don't know her that well. I am really all she has here. She is depending on me. I have been thinking about this a lot: If I had not suffered my loss, I don't think I would be as good of a friend to her as I am right now. I know that is terrible to admit, but I know in my heart it is true. I have been there for the deaths of both of my in laws. I've lost friends. I assumed I knew the pain of loosing someone you love. I didn't. Nothing can compare to the loss of my child. I now know (unfortunately) what it's like to loose someone so dear to you. Although our losses are different, I still understand now better than I ever could have before. I would not know what she is feeling. I would not be able to give her advice, and tell her what to expect. I would have tried to help her, but I would not have known because I hadn't experienced it. In a way, I'm glad that I am able to understand. (That doesn't mean I'm glad I lost my baby- it just means that since I did loose my baby, I'm glad I can help someone.)

Amber and I when I was pregnant with Brenna.

October 15th

I never even heard of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day before. If my daughter had not died I would not even know it existed.

I wish I still didn't.