Jolted

I'm sure this has happend to everyone. Today I was dozing off, and out of the blue I was jolted awake with the thought, 'My baby is dead!' Why at that exact moment? I do not know. I was almost asleep. It made me think for a few minutes. I still can't believe this has happened to me. I still can't wrap my mind around it. It's still surreal.

A few minutes ago I was updating my profile on BBC (babycenter) and I went to the section where you put your kids birthday. Ouch!

It had filled in the info for Brenna based on my due date. It had her birthday as 08/08/08 and her age as two months. Wow. She should be two months old right now. That hurt. It's the first time in a long time that anythings hurt, but that did. I try no to drive myself crazy thinking about how old she should/would be. I don't keep track of that. So when it's pushed right into your face it's a little hard to ignore.

Last night we went out with friends. One of them is the friend who was pregnant the same time I was. She's the one who has a girl. We had fun, it didn't bother me. She showed me pictures of her baby and I didn't get sad.

I have a friend who just got done with her first round of IVF. She found out of Friday that it worked! I am genuinely happy for her! They've been trying for a long time, and I really am happy for her.

But then I look at pictures of a friends baby on Face.book, and I get jealous, sad, depressed... mad.

I don't know why some things bother me and others don't. For the most part nothing bothers me anymore. But then something will happen, and it's like a stab in the heart.

Grief, I just don't understand it.

Coincidence? I think not.

"A true friend can see the suffering in your eyes,

while everyone else just sees the smile on your face."

Here's a weird thing my Amber and I talked about tonight:

Last year on November 10th we got together and celebrated my husband's birthday. We had a spectacular time. My brothers came out and stayed the night at my house, Amber was the designated drive. She met Rob that night. I got pregnant with Brenna.

Tonight we talked about how life changing that day was, and how unaware of it we were. Amber said something that I don't think I will ever forget: "We were both given someone who was precious to us that night. Only to have them taken away." Then she asked me why I thought it happened. I didn't have an answer for her.

When I introduced her to Rob, I thought they might hit it off, but I had no idea they would fall in love like that. They really were perfect for each other. She said he was the love of her life, and she fears she won't ever love anyone like that again.

I'm certain that I got pregnant on November 10th because we had house guests for two weeks, and November 10th is the only time conception could have taken place if you get my drift (can you say dry spell!). I know that is when it happened. And I too am afraid that I will never have another baby to love again.

Amber is out here basically all alone. Rob's family is great to her, but honestly they don't know her that well. I am really all she has here. She is depending on me. I have been thinking about this a lot: If I had not suffered my loss, I don't think I would be as good of a friend to her as I am right now. I know that is terrible to admit, but I know in my heart it is true. I have been there for the deaths of both of my in laws. I've lost friends. I assumed I knew the pain of loosing someone you love. I didn't. Nothing can compare to the loss of my child. I now know (unfortunately) what it's like to loose someone so dear to you. Although our losses are different, I still understand now better than I ever could have before. I would not know what she is feeling. I would not be able to give her advice, and tell her what to expect. I would have tried to help her, but I would not have known because I hadn't experienced it. In a way, I'm glad that I am able to understand. (That doesn't mean I'm glad I lost my baby- it just means that since I did loose my baby, I'm glad I can help someone.)

Amber and I when I was pregnant with Brenna.

October 15th

I never even heard of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day before. If my daughter had not died I would not even know it existed.

I wish I still didn't.

Life Goes On

Back to normal life. Last week literally was hell. Wow. I hope I never have to go through that again as long as I live. I read the police report from Rob's accident... Let's just say it wasn't as peaceful as I tried to make myself believe. Rob's step mom said she is going to try to get a bill passed in memory of Rob requiring hunters to use safety harnesses. Why don't they? The thing that bothers me about his death is that last year there were three people that he knew who fell out of tree stands. They all were seriously hurt, but none of them died. (None of them were as far up as he was either). My neighbor, who is my husband's best friend and who I consider family fell 12 feet out of a tree stand and broke his back. He's been a paraplegic ever since. Rob knew that. He knows my neighbor very well. Why didn't he learn? One more question that will never be answered.

So life goes on. This week will be harder for Amber than last week. This week she probably will dream about what happened. She'll have crying spells for no reason. She'll keep asking God why. This week is when it will really hit her. She will become depressed. She'll see things that remind her of him. She look at his picture all the time, she might ever sleep with it. This week she will think she hears him coming home, only to realize he isn't there. I wish I didn't know what she was going through, but I do. Whether it's your husband, your child, or your friend, grief is all the same. The stages are the same. The world still goes on, even though you don't think you can. But you do. Not because you want to, but because you have to. I talked with her tonight. I told her this week is going to be harder than last week. Last week was a blur because you get into business mode because there is so much to be done. This week it's back to reality. You realize nothing is ever going to be the same. This is the week you truely get to grieve. She asked me when you get over it, and I was honest and told her never. I told her it's always going to hurt, and you are always going to miss him. But soon you'll have more good days than bad, and you will realize that you are stronger than you think you are. I told her this week is going to be hard, but next week will be better. She thought that was a good way of putting it.

I hope I'm right.

My Google Reader is Overloaded

I have tons of unread items on my Google Reader. I might just ignore them all and start fresh. No one had the time to read all of that!

The funeral was today. The image of Rob's mom laying her head on her son's chest and wailing is permanently etched in my memory. Of her being lead out of the church, her whole body heaving. I will never forget that. It was so painful to see, I can't imagine what it was like.

If there is anything I have learned from this nightmare it's how lucky I am. Yes, I lost my baby. Yes, I loved my baby. But I did not love my baby for 32 years, and then have to bury her. I have to admit, her loss is harder to swallow. Her heartbreak is a million times worse than my will ever be. I don't think I've ever felt worse for anyone in my entire life.

Several years ago my husband's friend died. He was the kind of guy who'd ride his motorcycle at 100 miles an hour just to get a rush. He was a "living on the edge" kind of guy. Everyone liked his because he was good looking, funny, and has a bluntness about him. You never knew what he was going to say- and he didn't care who he offended. He was just so fun. He died in a snowmobile accident. It was horrible because his fiance was pregnant with his first child (a boy who would later be named after him). It was awful when he died. It was just so, so sad. But it wasn't a surprise. He was a risk-taker. It wasn't shocking that he died because he was always pushing the limit of everything. With Rob, it's such a shock because he wasn't a risk-taker in any way. He was a meticulous, follow-the-rules kind of guy. He was the kind of guy who did everything right. After his divorce he was left in serious debt. Instead of writing it off and filing for bankruptcy like many guys would, he buckled down and paid off every penny. In fact, he recently just paid off the last of it. That was what kind of guy he was. He always did the right thing. He was caring and sensitive- things you don't see to often in young men. But he was also funny. He'd do anything to make you laugh...

I guess my stepdaughter said it best. "Rob just isn't the kid of person you expect to die".

Please Visit

I have not forgot you Stacy. Please go and visit Stacy. I have been following her blog for a few months. Her son Isaac was born, and died today. Please take a few moments to keep her and her husband Spencer in your prayers.

As for me. Today was hard. Tonight was the showing for family and close friends. Amber called twice and asked me if I was coming. I felt awkward because it was mostly family, but as soon as I got there they made me feel right at home. Such a nice family. The mortician did a good job. Rob looked like himself, but you could tell he definitely feel on his face. They used the same funeral home we used for the baby. It wasn't as hard going in there as I thought it would be. It was just odd. I've been to way to many funerals at that funeral home. The mortician joked with me that everytime he sees me people are crying- he'd like me to invite him to a happy family event. :)

I've got to get to bed. It's after 1 in the morning. I haven't gotten much sleep. Thanks for the kind thoughts.

Update

I know I'm not bad luck. But this is such a crappy thing. When you really love someone, whether they are family or just feel like family, you hurt with them. My husband's family is large, and has lost many members. It been hard. I saw both of his parents die. But this is different. They were old, they had full lives. Even though we wanted them with us longer, their death was no surprise. It was not tragic. Rob's death is tragic. He was a young, vibrant person looking forward to the rest of his life. He had found that person that we all look for. His soul mate. The love of his life, as he put it. And it ended all too soon. They live next door to the funeral home. Something he said freaks me out now. He said it was freaky living there because whenever someone died, he would see the body being delivered. I'll never forget that. Today, Amber saw them delivering his body. It was horrible. She had to be restrained because she tried to run out to the house to see him. She kept saying all she wanted to do was hug him. All she keeps on thinking of his him falling. Dragging his broken body through the woods. It's just horrible. It's so terrible when someone you love is hurting so badly, and there is nothing you can do to help them. We've always done everything at the same time. Went to the same school, same grade, shared the same locker, married older husbands, had our babies at the same time. I never thought we'd share this too. I never thought we'd both be burying loved ones just a few months apart.

This is Amber and Rob, the first night they met, on my husband's birthday.