It's funny how the little things can be the biggest reminders. When I was pregnant my husband and I went and bought this humongous thing of Tide. I remember thinking, "This is gonna last half my pregnancy!"After I lost Brenna I hated using that Tide. I was so happy the day we bought it, and every time I used it that's all I thought about. It felt like every time I used that, I was loosing a little more of that memory. A little more of that feeling. I still remember when I finally used it all up. I was actually sad that the Tide was gone. Ridiculous, I know.
I've been surprised over the last few months how the little things remind me of my baby, and of being pregnant. Yesterday I came across the bottle of TUMS my husband bought for me when I had continuous heartburn. I couldn't ever use them again, but I couldn't bear to throw them away either. For some reason, that stupid TUMS bottle reminds me of my baby. Reminds me of being pregnant. Reminds me of how happy I was.
That doesn't mean I'm not happy now, because I am. I'm blessed to have the people in my life that I have. But, I'm not as happy as I was back then. It's a different sort of happy. Back then I was "innocent happy". Now I'm "grateful happy". Innocent Happy is when you are blissfully unaware of how cruel life can be. Grateful Happy is when you know how lucky you are to have what you have because it can all be gone in a second.
I'd really like my innocence back.
I started this blog in 2008 after the stillbirth of my daughter. Now it's not just about loss, but about life.
3 comments:
I miss the blissful ignorance. And hope. And a lot of things....
Yes, the little things. I understand completely. There are so many everyday....and I too look at them and think "oh, i bought this back when I was happy..."
I miss who I was before this loss.
Cee
Wow - your words describe so much of what I'm feeling. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Thinking of you and Sweet little Brenna.
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