I have avoided babies like the plague these past few months. I kept on thinking I was going to loose it if I had to look or touch one.
I've been helping a friend out with her daycare this summer. Yesterday a new baby started. She told me beforehand. Yesterday I didn't even want to go there, but I knew she needed help. I saw the baby when I first got there, but I am embarassed to say I kind of ignored him. I just didn't want to see him. I didn't have to hold him or anything yesterday, so that was good.
Today she had to get lunch, and I was left alone with the baby. I figured he's sleep while she was gone. Within minutes of her leaving he woke up crying. Of course I had to take care of him. So I picked him up.
I've heard other mother's say that after their loss holding a baby felt good.
It did.
He is adorable. He smelled nice and new. He felt good.
It wasn't as hard or as horrible as I thought it would be. It was good for me. Now I know there was no reason to be afraid.
I cuddled him for awhile, and all I kept thinking is I want one of these. I should be growing one of these right now. This feels so right.
When my friend got back she saw me holding the baby. Later, she asked me if it was hard to hold him. Then she said she tried to make sure that I didn't have to hold him yesterday, and that she didn't think he'd wake up while she was gone. (She is a great friend. I'm so glad she realized how I would be feeling). I told her I was glad because I would have never done it if I didn't have to, and it was good to get it over with. The elephant has left the room
I think it was easier because it was a baby boy and not a girl. A girl would be way too hard.
After I left her house I ran into my other friend who had a baby girl last month. The one who I haven't seen yet. I saw the baby, and she is adorable. I didn't cry. I didn't even feel sad. My friend was just so proud of her baby that I felt nothing but happy for her.
I am really proud of myself today. I am making progress in this roller coaster of grief.
I started this blog in 2008 after the stillbirth of my daughter. Now it's not just about loss, but about life.
2 comments:
Holli, I am so proud of you!! That's such a big and important step to take. That's exactly how I felt the first time I held a baby after I lost Tyler. It was such a relief that it wasn't nearly as horrible as I expected it to be.
The 30's must be the baby fever years. I always wanted kids, but I never felt that deep down "need" until right around the time I turned 30. Tyler was just enough to get me excited about it and now I know that I would love to do it again. My dh is another story too . . .
Thank you for the wonderful comment.
I'm excited for you in being able to take that step and hold that little boy. I honestly don't know what it's like and everytime I read your blog I just tell myself that I can't even imagine.
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