HOW DOES IT FEEL?

I know in the back of their mind everyone is wondering how I'm feeling. Is this hard for me? Does it bring up bad memories?

Well, there was no need for me to worry about how much I would love him, because the second I saw him I fell in love. I can't get enough of him. Truth be told I'm glad he's not a girl. I don't know if that would have changed things, but I suspect it might have been harder.

I did not shed one tear at the hospital. I expected to feel some sort of sadness, but I didn't feel anything like that at all. I don't feel sad in anyway, which is kind of surprising, but not really.

Looking at the pictures of my new grandson with my older grandson all I can feel is... guilt. Yes, guilt. I really am overcome with a huge sense of guilt that we didn't have another baby sooner and give this to my son. Mason is so excited to have a little brother, and I remember how excited Brendan was that I was having a baby. I really wish we would have had another baby when he was little. I tried to talk my husband into trying, but he didn't want another one. He felt we had our hands full with the two kids we had. I know deep down he's right. There were a lot of things going on in our lives at that time... financially we couldn't have afforded it... I was taking care of my mother in law for a good two years... Jenna was a teenager from hell :)... there was just so many things that would have made it difficult.

But I know it wouldn't have been impossible. We could have made it work.

While I am totally in love with my new grandson, I can't help but feel guilty that we didn't give my son this same experience.

HE'S HERE...

...and he's healthy.

10 pounds 7 ounces. 22 inches long.

DUE DATE

I'm sorry for not posting earlier. My life has been insane lately.

I had no idea it's been so long since I posted.

Well, Jen came down with strep a few days after her amnio. Her midwife told her that an infection can make amnio results wacky, so they were thinking that is the reason for the immature results. She went in the next week planning on having another amnio, but the hospital wouldn't allow it. I think they just didn't want to admit it could have been lab error. Sothey sent her home again, and told her she has to wait until 39 weeks, which is this Friday.

I should add that after her last baby they told her that the way her uterus is tipped she will probably never go into labor on her own. So we are all aware that her labor will have to be induced.

Anyway, she went in today and requested a growth ultrasound. They estimated the baby to weigh 10 pounds 9 ounces! We have a friend who just had a 10 pound baby a few weeks ago (must be in the water) and the delivery was very tramatic. The baby had to spend more than a week in the NICU. Obviously, this scarred Jen, and so she decided to go ahead and schedule a c-section. Her first baby was almost 10 pounds, and he was very blue when he was born. I think she just wants to go the safest route, and I really feel like she is doing the right thing.

So, I will be having a new grandbaby this Friday. Squeeeee!

MY WEEK

This week has been just crazy. I've haven't been sleeping well; last night I resorted to benedryl. I. Am. EXHAUSTED.

Last Wednesday I took Jen to the doctors. We got to see the baby on 3D ultrasound. He is adorable! Fat chubby cheeks. His estimated weight at 36 weeks was 8 1/2 pounds. (Big baby!) He was breech and her fluid levels were very high (polyhydromnios). We live an hour from the hospital, and the doctors were concerned about cord prolapse. Well, to make a very long story short, after waiting at the hospital all day they decided to do a c-section. Her husband works out of town and would not be back in time, and she asked me to go in with her. I was so excited! They came in and shaved her belly, the anesthesiologist was there. We were minutes from the operating room. Last minute Dr. Fat Fingers (seriously largest hands I've ever seen an OB have) came in and did an ultrasound to check baby's position. Uh-oh. I see a head down by the pelvis. I knew this wasn't going to end with a baby today. It didn't. Sent us home. This made for a very unhappy mama.

Take her to the doctors again this Wednesday. Her fluid levels had went up again! Schedule her for an amnio on Friday and if baby's lungs are OK then an induction. Thursday she has to be taken to the ER because her blood pressure is 80/50. So low she is white at a sheet and can't answer simple questions. She is there all night and they decide to cut to the chase and do the amnio while she's there. Bad news. She's 37 weeks and the baby's lungs are still very immature. The doctor was not completely worried. He said there is the possibility of lab error, but didn't want to chance doing another anmnio. She home she goes again.

At this point the baby is over 9 pounds, she still has 3 weeks to go, and we are worried if he will be able to breath when he is born. Needless to say she is misrable and I am worried. I just keep telling myself it's only a few weeks, it will all be OK in the end, but I can't help but worry...

On a good note, my son got his mid term. Two A+'s! Two B's and all the rest were A's! SO PROUD OF HIM!

TODAY WE REMEMBER...

Don't forget to light a candle today at 7 pm. (October 15th)

My brother's tattoo that he got for Brenna.

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES!

The skylight in our bathroom leaked and damaged the ceiling. This lead to a (much needed) remodel in our bathroom. With the exception of some plumbing changes that we couldn't figure out, my husband and I did all the work ourselves. OK, he did most of the work. I just picked out the stuff. (Isn't that how it's supposed to be?)

Before

After

I took the palm tree pictures in Hawaii.

The results is so satisfying, that we are going to continue with the rest of the house. It's something we've always talked about, but never got around to doing.

I feel so good about this. I actually feel like a new person. Like I'm shedding the old parts of my life I didn't like.

Changing.

BROTHERS

I have four younger brothers. I consider us close. My youngest brother and I are the closest. I talk to him almost every day. He is 25, and has made a lot of poor choices in life. I think he battles depression. He recently broke up with his girlfriend of three years, and then shortly after lost his job. Obviously life was not going good for him, but he took it to a whole other level. He would call me daily telling me how terrible his life was, how he was going to end up in jail, how he knew he was going no where. On and on and on about how bad he has it. It got so bad that at times, I didn't have it in my to take his calls.

A few weeks ago he send me a message of facebook. It was written at 6 am and I doubt he was sober when he wrote it. I read the message while I was at work, and it basically said that he was going to end up in prison and when he did that we should all "forget about" him. I was so fed up with this attitude that I relied back and laid it out on the table:

"J****, you are the only person who can change your life. What the hell is so bad about your life? You don't have a girlfriend, who gives a fuck. You don't have a job? Take that opportunity to get some training. You always look at the bad side, you never look on the bright side of anything. For some reason you think you have it harder than everyone else. When the truth is many people will love to be in your position. You can do anything you want right now. But you have to make it happen. Instead you choose to sit around and feel sorry for yourself! Get your head out of your ass and do something with your life. Right now your big plan is life is to end up in prison. Do you even listen to yourself? Do you seriously think than anyone of us is just going to walk away from you? You know that is never going to happen. Instead of being happy with what you do have, you focus all your energy on what you don't have. You act like you are some terrible person, or that you are the only one who has bad thoughts. We all do, J****. You are not so unique. You have this thing where you always have to be the worst. If I say someone did something you're like, Well I did it even worse than that... Newsflash: You are not a terrible person. You have a good heart. We all love you. Be thankful for that. Get off your ass and do something to better yourself. You are not going to find a better life while sitting on your couch with a beer in your hand. I finally found a good job, and things are going right for me right now. Do you think that just happened out of no where? No. I put myself through college. I applied to literally 100's of jobs. Two years ago my life sucked. I know how you feel because I have never been so depressed in my life. But I did not let it consume me. Instead I made the decision every day to get out of bed and take a shower and do something. (Even though I could easily have stayed in bed all day). Because I knew that if I didn't I wasn't going to get better. I wasn't going to move on. Don't think for one second that was easy, because it wasn't. It was horrible. It was hard. But I made it through. It took a long time. A long time. Just now, two and a half years later, I can look at a baby and not die inside. And I mean literally die. I would feel a physical pain that I can not even describe. I would put on a good face so no one would know, but inside I was a disaster. I know how it feels. But I also know that NO ONE was going to make me get out of it but me. And no one can make you feel better but you. Instead of focusing on the bad, you need to start focusing what you do have. You said you looked so happy in that pic from when you lived with me. Don't you remember how much you hated living out here? 10 years from now you are going to look back on this time and wonder what you were so pissed off about. That is how life works. It feel terrible at the time, but then you look back and realize it wasn't so bad."

And just like that, he changed. He was at a point where he wouldn't even attend family functions anymore. This past Labor Day he came and we had a fantastic time. We all can see a change in him.

He told me that he never even realized losing Brenna would effect me so deeply, or for so long. He had no idea the pain I was carrying. (I am mostly to blame for this, because I kept it all inside.) He really thought he was the only one who felt this way.

Then he went and got a memorial tattoo with Brenna's name on it.