HAPPY BLOGOVERSARY TO ME!

Today is my first blogoversary. Three weeks and one day after we lost Brenna I started this blog. I think back to one year ago, and it seems like another lifetime. And it seems like just yesterday. I think to the time I started this blog. I remember trying to picture the future and I just couldn't. I had no hope. I had nothing to look forward to. It was, without a doubt, the worst time of my life. I have come a long way since then. My life is not even close to what I thought it would be. I am happy with my life right now. Truth be told, I've even come to accept that Brenna is not a (living) part of my life. I think I will always wonder why her life was so short, but I've come to accept the fact that it was. I've learned to cherish the memories and pictures that I have of her, and not dwell on the fact that there are only a few. I like to think that I know where my life is going, but in reality I have no idea. Getting pregnant, loosing a child, almost dying, each of those things would have changed my life, put them together and it's almost too much for one person to handle. But I have. And I could no have done it without you. Since April of last year I've had 32,164 pages views. I average about 100 readers a day. I often wonder who you are and what brought you here. I can't imagine why anyone would be interested in what I have to say. I was just a grieving mom, trying to make my way through a nightmare. You helped me through. Thank you.

SCENES FROM THE FIRE

ENRAGED

My friend R owns a daycare. I used to work with her so I know the kids well. There is a family with three kids who she takes care of. All three children have different fathers and they all live with their grandmother because their mom is, well, basically a loser. She had the last two after the first one was taken away for abuse and neglect. They took the second one shortly after he was born, and the last one was taken away immediately. After I lost Brenna I thought of this woman often. How can she have babies so easily, and I can't carry one? It seems like the universe is playing a cruel joke on me. Showing me this women takes for granted the one thing I so desperately want to be able to do. Friday my suspicions were confirmed when I learned she is pregnant again. This time she is going to "get it right" by marrying the father. I doubt The State will allow her to keep this one. She's never had a job, and neither does the dad. She sleeps at her moms or on friends couches. More than likely this baby will be taken away, and go to live with the grandmother. She was upset to find out she was pregnant. She looks at this baby as a curse. She has no idea what a curse truly is.

BABIES AND SHOWERS

Remember my friend K who is expecting twins? She invited me to her baby shower. I happened to be on the phone with another friend R when I got the invitation. R told me that K was worried that her being pregnant was bothering me. I love that she thought of me. K was one of the few people I saw right after loosing Brenna. She is a florist and my first trip out of the house was to see her to order flowers for Brenna's funeral. The truth is her being pregnant does not bother me at all. Would you believe I've forgotten she's pregnant a few times, crazy right? While her being pregnant doesn't bother me, the thought of going to a baby shower for two baby girls does not thrill me. Actually, it sound like torture! I am not going to go. But I really can't understand why her pregnancy doesn't bother me, but the shower does. Maybe it's because I didn't get to have my shower, and I was so looking forward to it. In fact, I haven't even been to a wedding shower since Brenna died. I think maybe it's because I was pregnant w/ Brenna when I threw my step-daughter her wedding shower. I don't know, but I don't think I will ever go to another shower again.

WELCOME TO THE WORLD BABY

Please Give Me Back My Heart: It's a Boy!

I am so excited to welcome CLC's little boy into the world. She is one of the first bloggers I ever "met" and will always hold a special place in my heart. I could not be happier for her.

HEY KATE!

Welcome to the world baby Kate. Congratulations Ms. Beth!
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Today I went to my 8th funeral in the past year. Yes, eight! Those of you who know me in real life should be afraid- very afraid! I think I might be related to the Grim Reaper.
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Two nights ago my grandson stayed the night. He snuck into our bed around midnight, and I was too tired to carry him back to the couch. I awoke a few hours later covered in sweat. It took me a few minutes to realize that it was actually pee I was soaking in. Cleaned everything up, changed his clothes, put him back in the couch. An hour later awake to the same thing again! Oh yes, I was peed on twice in one night. As I cleaned up for the second time I had to remind myself why I ever thought about having another baby. :)

MY GRANDMA

Today is my grandma's 93rd birthday. She still lives in her own home. It's the same home she build with my grandfather before my dad was even born. (It's been remodeled and expanded, but she's still lived in the same spot since the 50's!)

She's less than five feet tall, and born on St. Patrick's Day. I've always thought of her as a little leprechaun. :)