MY SOUL SMILES

"When I feel your love, my soul smiles."

I don't want anyone to misunderstand my last post. My husband is not the complete jerk I made him out to be. We are very close. We are great together. It's because we are so close that this is so hard for me. This is the one thing that he just doesn't "get". This is something that I feel like he doesn't understand, and that is hard because he usually understands me and knows me so well. Instead, I feel very disconnected with him when it comes to Brenna. He hardly every says her name. But then again, neither do I. Usually I just say "The baby". I think not using her name makes it easier. I don't know. I'm babbling. All I really wanted to say was that my husband is not a jerk. He just doesn't show his grief the way I do. I think I read a few months ago someone saying that he husband was "working" his grief out. Like doing extra things around the house. Keeping very busy. I realized when I read that, that my husband was doing the same thing. He had 100 projects going on this spring and summer. I didn't realized what was going on until I read that. I'm not sure he was even aware of it.

It's just hard when someone knows you so well, but doesn't understand the most defining event in your life. It's just hard. That's all.

SHOPPING DISASTER

Who knew that a Han.es sock could bring you to tears. Staring at the tiny sock, with it's little pink heal literally broke my heart all over again. I don't know why it bothered me today- but it did. A lot.

Then that set the tone for the day.

My husband and I went grocery shopping tonight. His company just build a brand new chain store, so of course he wanted to go to that one. He loves to check out his own work. I hate this store. The layout is stupid. It really bothered me today when I went to get milk and on the other side of the isle was the baby stuff. Literally. To my right was the milk, to the left was the baby section. (I wish I would have thought to take a picture because no one can believe a store would be set up so ignorantly). It really bothered me today. Maybe because my day got off to a crappy start. Maybe because I started thinking of the holidays and how these should be her firsts. Maybe because I let my mind wonder to what I thought my life would be like right now.

And to what it isn't.

Even now it's so hard to admit. This isn't what I had planed. This isn't how I envisioned my life would be. Right now I'm just existing. Making my way. But I'm not where I thought I would be. Not even close. Baby, career, money... everything is messed up in my life right now. Nothing is where I want it to be. I'm just really having a hard time in life in general. It sucks. It really does.

So walking past that baby section bothered me. But I brushed it off. Went on shopping. We made our way to the other end of the store. I was ready to check out. My husband decided we needed more milk. Back across the store we went. Back to the baby section. This time it got to me. I've never lost control on my tears before. Especially in a public place. I walked ahead of him so he couldn't see. Tears swelling in my eyes. I checked us out. I didn't say much. I was pissed. Pissed that he wouldn't even notice that I was upset. I was crying. Pissed that he can walk back and forth through that baby stuff and not even bat an eye. I'm pissed that he doesn't see it. It doesn't bother him.

It's like she never even existed to him.

I think hes forgotten her. That's why he doesn't know why I'm sad.

Not Me Monday

It's Monday again. That means my brain is empty. So here is another Not Me Monday to amuse and entertain. :)

• I was not sick yesterday (and today).
• I did not spend all day in my pajamas.
• I did not wait until 10 pm to take a shower.
• I did not sleep in until 11 am two days in a row.
• I did not feed my son pancakes for dinner.
• He did not cook them (because I suck so bad at cooking pancakes).
• I did not spend several hours catching up on my blog reading today.
• I did not skip the dishes because I feel too cruddy to do them.
• I do not have several loads of laundry waiting to be folded.
• I don't have several loads to be washed either.
• It did not snow here today.
• I did not hate it.
• I am not going to bed after I'm done writing this.

150TH POST

First of all, thank you Jessica for noticing my new background. In case you haven't noticed, I like to mix it up a little. I like to change the layout of my blog quite often. But I like this one, I think it's going to be here for awhile.

So the other day I was talking with a family member and my close friend Amber. We were talking about someone who recently lost their adult son. The person I'm related to said, "I can't imagine loosing a child. It has to be the worst thing I could ever imagine..." and on and on and on. I just looked down and didn't say anything. Did she forget that I just had a stillborn baby 8 months ago? How could she forget -she was at her funeral!

It really reminded me how most people have forgotten. Forgotten about her. About my broken heart. My near dying. Even my pregnancy. They see me, and my smile, and forget that just 8 months ago my world came crashing down. On the outside I'm basically the same person. You'd never know that just 8 months, 1 week, and 3 days ago I was near death. I was dying. But I was lucky enough to have a doctor who saved my life. You wouldn't know that just by looking at me. If you could see the inside me you would see how different I've become. You would see how excited I was to be blessed with a baby, and how confused I was when she was taken away. You'd see how angry I was. You would know why I was afraid to let my son out of my sight. You'd also see how resiliant I am, and how proud I am that I've come this far. You'd see the new me, and you'd understand why.

If you could see the inside me, you'd know why I'll never forget her. And you'd never forget her either.

ER ANYONE?

Did anyone catch ER last night? I watched it, and let me tell you it really struck a cord. One person was reliving the death of her young child. At the end she said something that I think all deadbabymamas have seen written, but have never heard on tv. "A child who looses a parent is called an orphan. A wife who looses a husband is called a widow. But there isn't anything to descibe a parent who's lost a child". As soon as she said that tears streamed down my face. The whole time I was watching the show it really just struck a cord with me, but that moment just brought out all the emotions I tend to keep inside. Heartbreaking. Just heartbreaking.

I remember many years ago (13 actually). My husband and I had just started dating. His ex-wife (the mother of his daughter) had recently died. We were watching ER, and the storyline involved a young mother who died leaving behind a baby daughter. The father talked to the mother, even though she was brain dead, and told her how beautiful their baby was and how he was going to do his best to be the best dad he could for their little girl. I remember looking at my future husband and he was sobbing. Tears were streaming down his face and he was sobbing. I remember thinking that it must have been painful to watch something on tv that so closely relates to your life.

I had no idea.

A LITTLE RANT

I have to complain here for a second. I was listening to the radio while going to pick my son up from school. There was a woman on there who was saying she had to take her 8 year old son to the courthouse with her for one reason or another, and she happened up on a gay marriage ceremony. She went on to say how horrible it was for her because she then had to think up something to tell her son to explain to him why two men were getting married. The host suggested she should have told him "different cultures" greet people in different ways- in Europe men greet each other with kisses. Seriously? Seeing a gay marriage ceremony is this woman's biggest problem in her life? I wish I was her!

I'm not trying to debate anything here. I am a religious person. I belive in God deeply. But I feel strongly that it is not my place to judge. It is between the person and God. It's really none of my business. My job is to be the best neighbor I can be. Remember the whole "love thy neighbor as theyself" thing? It didn't say you don't have to love your neighbor if they are gay.

The fact of the matter is that there are gay people in this world. You child is 8 years old. If he asks about the wedding, you tell him that sometimes two men love each other and want to get married. You don't make a big deal about it. It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.

A few years ago my son came home upset because someone at school called him gay. I asked him, "And what's wrong with being gay?" He couldn't tell me. Because he didn't know. Because he'd never been taught that. He'd been raised in a home where we love everyone. Even the people that get on our nerves. Even the people who are differnt than we are. Even the people who don't like us. We love and respect them all. It's not our job to judge them. You know what? I'm proud that I've taught him that.

Maybe I'm a terrible mother for teaching my kid that. Maybe that's why I can't have a baby.

Rant is over. Thanks for listening.

OUCH

Library Lady: Do you own a daycare?

Me: No, I'm just helping out my husband's cousin.

Library Lady: Do you have any children.

Me: My son is almost 12 and my stepdaughter was just here. That little guy right there is hers. (Que guilt about not mentioning my other daughter. You know, the dead one.)

Library Lady: Well, it's good that you don't have any little ones at home. It would be too much after dealing with all these little ones.

At this point I run over and narrowly avert some fake crisis to get away from this poor lady who has no idea what she's just done to me.

OUCH!