ER ANYONE?

Did anyone catch ER last night? I watched it, and let me tell you it really struck a cord. One person was reliving the death of her young child. At the end she said something that I think all deadbabymamas have seen written, but have never heard on tv. "A child who looses a parent is called an orphan. A wife who looses a husband is called a widow. But there isn't anything to descibe a parent who's lost a child". As soon as she said that tears streamed down my face. The whole time I was watching the show it really just struck a cord with me, but that moment just brought out all the emotions I tend to keep inside. Heartbreaking. Just heartbreaking.

I remember many years ago (13 actually). My husband and I had just started dating. His ex-wife (the mother of his daughter) had recently died. We were watching ER, and the storyline involved a young mother who died leaving behind a baby daughter. The father talked to the mother, even though she was brain dead, and told her how beautiful their baby was and how he was going to do his best to be the best dad he could for their little girl. I remember looking at my future husband and he was sobbing. Tears were streaming down his face and he was sobbing. I remember thinking that it must have been painful to watch something on tv that so closely relates to your life.

I had no idea.

A LITTLE RANT

I have to complain here for a second. I was listening to the radio while going to pick my son up from school. There was a woman on there who was saying she had to take her 8 year old son to the courthouse with her for one reason or another, and she happened up on a gay marriage ceremony. She went on to say how horrible it was for her because she then had to think up something to tell her son to explain to him why two men were getting married. The host suggested she should have told him "different cultures" greet people in different ways- in Europe men greet each other with kisses. Seriously? Seeing a gay marriage ceremony is this woman's biggest problem in her life? I wish I was her!

I'm not trying to debate anything here. I am a religious person. I belive in God deeply. But I feel strongly that it is not my place to judge. It is between the person and God. It's really none of my business. My job is to be the best neighbor I can be. Remember the whole "love thy neighbor as theyself" thing? It didn't say you don't have to love your neighbor if they are gay.

The fact of the matter is that there are gay people in this world. You child is 8 years old. If he asks about the wedding, you tell him that sometimes two men love each other and want to get married. You don't make a big deal about it. It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.

A few years ago my son came home upset because someone at school called him gay. I asked him, "And what's wrong with being gay?" He couldn't tell me. Because he didn't know. Because he'd never been taught that. He'd been raised in a home where we love everyone. Even the people that get on our nerves. Even the people who are differnt than we are. Even the people who don't like us. We love and respect them all. It's not our job to judge them. You know what? I'm proud that I've taught him that.

Maybe I'm a terrible mother for teaching my kid that. Maybe that's why I can't have a baby.

Rant is over. Thanks for listening.

OUCH

Library Lady: Do you own a daycare?

Me: No, I'm just helping out my husband's cousin.

Library Lady: Do you have any children.

Me: My son is almost 12 and my stepdaughter was just here. That little guy right there is hers. (Que guilt about not mentioning my other daughter. You know, the dead one.)

Library Lady: Well, it's good that you don't have any little ones at home. It would be too much after dealing with all these little ones.

At this point I run over and narrowly avert some fake crisis to get away from this poor lady who has no idea what she's just done to me.

OUCH!

I AM AFRAID

Before I start this post, I want to tell our all of our Vetrans thank you for your service to our country!

I'm afraid. I'll admit it. I have been thinking about having another baby. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. We just passed the date when Brenna was concieved. That's probably why I've been thinking about babies so much lately. Part of me wants another baby, but another part of me doesn't. Part of me is confident that I will have a live baby if I get pregnant again. The other part of me is scarred shitless.



I love the blog To Write Their Names In The Sand. What Carly and her husband do is beautiful and amazing. It means so much to families who've lost children. I sneak over and look at the photos from time to time. What has stuck me though, is how many people have lost more than one child. Some families have lost three. I know many people, Jenell, Mandy, Mrs. Muelly, and Jaded to name a few, who've suffered multiple losses. My doctor told me that the chances of having an unscarred uterus rupture is about the same as getting stuck by lightening. The chances are the same for suffering multiple losses. I'm not feeling very lucky.

It just makes me nervous. I think I could handle it, but I don't think my poor son can. He's only 11, and loosing Brenna really affected him. He was heartbroken, and we ended up taking him to counseling. I could not put him through that again.

My husband and I talked about it the other day and he told me he's afraid that I would die, and he's not sure it's worth the risk.

But, truth be told, I think it's worth it. I know it's worth it.

NOT ME

OK, so I saw this on someone else's blog, and I'm stealing it. Sorry! I'm not very creative lately. My mind is blank.

• Today is not my husband's birthday.
• I did not spend more than I planned on his gift.
• I did not tell my son that I better get a good present for my birthday after buying his dad all this stuff.
• I did not fall back asleep this morning.
• My son was not late for school. (Actually, this one is true!)
• I do not know how he made it in time. (Also true!)
• My dog did not roll is poop for the umpteenth time this week.
• I did not consider letting her stay covered in poop.
• I am not tired of bathing her.
• I did not eat a cupcake after dinner.
• I certainly did not eat two!
• They were not spectacular!
• My son did not get all A's and one B+ on his report card.
• That is not the best report card he's ever gotten.
• I do not now owe him $250 because of that report card.
• I am not sorry I made a deal with him three years ago that we would pay him for his grades. (Actually, I'm not sorry at all)
• I did not enjoy writing this! ;)

Things I have learned.

Lessons I've learned from loosing my baby.

1. Pregnancy does not always equal baby. Even if you make it past the first 12 weeks.

2. Follow your gut. If you have a nagging feeling that something is wrong- it probably is.

3. Dead babies make people very uncomfortable.

4. Deadbabymamas make people uncomfortable too.

5. Referring to your deadbaby as a miscarriage makes people feel more comfortable.

6. No one knows what to say when your baby dies. So most people say nothing.

7. When someone does say something, you will never forget it.

8. Expect a long, awkward silence when you mention your baby.

9. You will think about your baby long after everyone else has forgotten.

10. My mom will do anything for me.

11. My mom is the only other person who truly understand how I feel about this. Even more so than my husband.

12. Watching your daughter suffer a loss must be horrible.

13. There are people who you think you can count on, but when it comes down to it, you can't.

14. Some people will suprise you, in good ways and in bad.

15. Your relationships with people will change. Many people simply will not know what to say or how to act around you. You will slowly drift apart.

16. Abdominal surgery hurts like hell.

17. You will forget the physical pain.

18. You won't ever forget the emotional pain.

19. Your heart can literally feel like it's broken. It is a physical pain you can not imagine.

20. It's OK not to cry. We all grieve differently. Just because society expects a grieving mother to be a weepy mess doesn't mean she has to be.

21. You will look better on the outside then you are on the inside.

22. If you don't tell people you are hurting, they will never know.

23. It's OK to tell people when you are hurting.

24. Don't forget the family you still have. They need you.

25. Writing helps.

They Didn't Make It

I have been bad at keeping you updated.

Jenell's twins did not make it. Their names are Alexis and Ashlen, and they are joining their big sister Makenna is heaven. My heart literally sank when I read that they had not made it. I honestly felt like they were bringing those girls home.

They have now lost three babies in 10 months. How is that possible? How do you "get over" that?

Please, please, please, take a moment and let Jenell know you are thinking of her. You're support has meant so much to me, I'm sure it will mean even more to her.