Untitled

I can't think of a stupid title for this post. I'm having a hard time even thinking straight. I think I'm having a hard time right now because her 7 month anniversary is coming up. Also, my son has been at camp all this week with his school, and I'm really missing him. Our house is quite without him. It makes me realize how much my life truly revolves around being a mom. It also makes me scarred that I will never have another baby. That terrifies me. I am a mom. It is the number one priority in my life. It is the thing that I know I do best. I am afraid that I will never be able to be someone else's mom. And that is almost more than I can handle. I want another baby more than anything in this world. I can not imagine my life without having a baby. My husband is another story.

His birthday is in six weeks and he's already bitchy about it. Every year he gets all pissy around his birthday because he's freaked out that he's getting older. This year he will be 48. In this day and age I don't consider that old. It's practically middle aged! But he thinks he ancient. He thinks he's too old for a baby. He doesn't want to start all over again. Frankly, I feel guilty because I don't want to bring a baby into this world if it really isn't wanted. I don't want to pressure him into having a baby. But, the drive to have one is so strong... It's all so confusing. The I feel guilty because I know there are tons of people out there who don't even have one live baby, and I should be happy for what I have. And I am. Just because I want more doesn't mean I appreciate what I have. It just means I want to add to what I have.

UGH! I just don't know what to do! Which brings me to my survery? Would you have a baby knowing that it would be a high risk pregnancy and there could be lifethreatening complications? Please vote!

I Miss Her

I just miss my girl. That's all. Unfortunately everyone else in my life is paying for it, because I've been an uncontrolable bitch.

I just miss my baby.

HELP

Is there a way to make a post private on blogger? Just one post. If you know, please help me!

Football

I watched part of a football game today. I'm sure everyone in deadbabyland has heard about Matt Bryant the kicker from Tampa Bay who's three month old son died unexpectedly of unknown causes. I never watch football. His team was playing the Packers, and my husband doesn't follow either of those teams. But it just happened to be on today while we were doing things around the house. My husband pointed out to me that the guy on the TV was the man who had lost his son. I watched him kick the winning field goal. I saw the look of pain on his face, and knew what that look meant. I never thought I would ever have anything in common with a football player. But as I sat there watching that on TV, and even as I write this now, I feel such a sense of connection with this man. It was quite a moment. The announcer said something about not being able to make this stuff up- this was the stuff movies are made of. It had that magical feeling to it. I couldn't help but be touched by that. It really was an awe inspiring moment.

You Learn To Live With It

A mother who lost her baby years ago recently commented that the pain is always there, you just learn to live with it. As the days and months go by, I'm starting to realize that is so true. On the outside I am pretty much my former self. I laugh, and go out with friends, and I actually enjoy life. But on the inside, many changes have taken place. I think about Brenna everyday. I think about her many times everyday. For the most part I think of her in a longing way, not in a way that makes my heart break. But if I allow myself to go back to that place, back to 6 months 3 weeks and 1 day ago, I will fall apart. The grief and agony will come rushing back to me. I will cry and wail, and wonder why. So, I don't let myself go to that place. It does not seem healthy to me to keep on dwelling on that day. I have daily reminders. My scar still hurts. The other day I had indigestion, and it reminded me of her kicks, and at that moment I really, really missed her. I ached for her.

It still seems unreal to me how much I miss her. This little person that I wanted for so long. That was with me for such a short time. That I hardly knew. But I really do miss her. I miss her so much at times it hurts.

But for the most part, the thoughts of her are not painful. They are more longing than anything. Thinking about what would have been- what should be. Today I had to go to my sons school to meet with the librarian. She was going to show me how the computer program worked. The last thing I expected to see was a brand new baby in his car seat. I immediately stopped in my tracks and thought, "Oh great". It took me a moment to open that door. That hasn't happened to me in awhile, and it kind of surprised me. Luckily it was a boy. She told me he was born in July and was going on 3 months old. I had to stop myself from calculating how old Brenna should have been. I had to stop myself from thinking how they would have been in the same preschool. Gone to school together...

I can't let myself go there. That is how I drown in my grief. That is how I get dragged down. Thinking what if, and letting myself think those thoughts. I can't go there.

Grief seriously sucks. That is all I can say about it. It sucks. I don't like it, but I am learning to live with it.

Horrible

I did not plan on posting tonight, but this has bothered me so much I have to tell you all. This happened. Basically a couple was driving home and some dumbass kid was drunk driving, ran a stop sign, and hit them. The woman was eight months pregnant. The crash actually ripped open her uterus, the baby came out, and his ambilical cord was severed. He ended up bleeding to death through his ambilical cord.

Have you ever heard of anything worse? I think the part that bothers me the most is that she will never get to hold her baby (because she is in a coma, and will be for weeks). She will never get to see what he really looked like or know how small he was. She will never get to kiss him, or smell him, or cradle him in her arms. For those of you who've lost a baby, you know how important that is.

Please pray for Angie. She is still in a coma, and if she survives, she is expected to have a very long recovery. She will not walk for a year. Please keep her and baby Logan in your thoughts.

If We Could Have Saved You...

My mom bought a grave marker that I just love. It says, "If we could have saved you, you'd live forever." I thought it was perfect.

My mom lives about 50 miles away from me, and when we actually buried the baby we didn't have anyone there. So I took her and my brother to the cemetery for the first time a few weeks ago. I could tell it really bothered my mom. She was getting emotional, but didn't really cry. You could hear it in her voice though. Why doesn't it extract the same reaction from me? That was the first time I've been there since we buried her. You would think I would have been a blubbering mess. Instead I just pointed it out matter-of-factly as if I was showing them some kind of landmark. I guess I just prefer to grieve in private. Or I need to see a shrink. I'm not sure which.

I guess I'm feeling terrible because I don't feel like I've grieved in the "normal" stereotypical way you expect someone to grieve. I'm not your typical deadbabymama. I've only really cried over this once with my husband. I didn't cry at her funeral. I'm beginning to feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. I am devoid of sadness. I feel it, but I do not express it. Am I a freak?

They say grief comes in waves, and I guess I am on a "down" wave. I really miss her. Just typing those words is so painful. I boggles my mind how I can miss her. I barely knew her. She was in my life such a short time, how can I miss her? But I do. I've never been one of those women who enjoys pregnancy. But I miss being pregnant. I miss her kicks. I just miss her. I want her back, and I feel myself getting mad at God for taking her away. Because I thought by now I'd be able to understand why this happened. But I still have no idea. Logically, I know it's not true, but I can't help but feeling like I'm being punished for something. I can't help but feel like, "What did I do wrong?" Maybe I'm feeling like this because all week long I've been thinking about how I pictured this September to be. I planned on having a baby right now. I thought my life was going to be much different. I miss the life I had planned. It's so unreal to me. How can one little person I never even really met make such an impact on my life. One, unfinished baby has changed the course of my life forever. How is that possible?

I think I may have given up the TTC (trying to conceive) dream. I can not bare the thought of loosing another baby. I can't. I can not bare the thought of something being wrong with the baby, and what if I cause it because he/she has to be delivered early because of my crappy uterus? Then what? There are just too many unknowns, and I don't know that I am willing to take that risk.

It's not that I've lost my faith. I've just lost my confidence.