Wow

I was reading this online, and it just blew my mind:

Every year, roughly 576,000 babies die between 14 weeks gestation and one month of life. There are more deaths due to miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal loss than there are to cancer or heart attacks. And that is not even including the one in four who miscarry in the first trimester of pregnancy.

I seriously had no idea. I wish I never knew...

Memories

Awhile back someone posted about their favorite memory of her baby, and I really loved that post. I've been thinking a lot lately. For a lot of reason's, I guess. Mostly, I've just been feeling sad. (Probably because Aunt Flo is on the way, and my hormones are out of control). Anyway, I've been thinking about my favorite memories while I was pregnant with Brenna. I thought I would share them with you.

• When the doctor told us everything was OK with the baby (ha-ha!) we finally told my son. He's 11, and he got this look of shock on his face and yelled, "You two have been having sex!" Then he ran into his bedroom. When I followed him in there, he looked at me in disgust and said, "I hope you went to a hotel and didn't do it in this house!" I still laugh when I think about that.
• Waking up the day after I found out I was pregnant, and remembering I was pregnant! It was an awsome feeling.
• When I was about 12 weeks I went in for an u/s because I had a sub-crionic bleed. I was so afraid they were going to tell me the baby was dead I didn't want to look at the screen. But I did, and there she was, her little arms and legs kicking like crazy. It melted my heart, and that picture is burned into my memory. I will never forget that moment. That is when she became real to me.
• When I called my mom to tell her that, after 10 years of infertility, I was pregnant (naturally). The sound of dead silence, and then "Are you serious?" was hysterical. I could tell by her voice she was so excited. Then her and my step-dad met for lunch, and that was all they could talk about. I loved how excited they were.
• The first time I felt her move. And all the times I felt her move after that.
• When I called my grandma on Christmas Day to tell her I couldn't finish my shopping. She wouldn't let me finish my sentence. Finally I said, "Well, it's because I'm pregnant". Dead silence. Then happy screaming. It was great.
• When my grandson kissed my belly, and said, "Hi baby".
• When we went out and she kicked along with the music all night long.
• When I would talk to her, when no one was around. Just the two of us.
• When I was taking a bath, and she was kicking so hard my husband could see my belly moving.

Those are my favorites. I wish there were more...

TAG

I've been tagged. Since my brain is empty and I have no words of wisdom to share with you, here goes...

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?
My son turned one, I turned 21 that year, oh yeah, I also got married! Busy year.

2. What are 5 things on your to do list today?
We are out of town for the weekend, so there I don't have much to do. (Kids are sleeping)
Get a gift for a wedding shower.
Get a father's day gift for my dad and my husband.
Pick up my dog from my mom's (she's babysitting!)
I'm sure swimming is on the list.
So is going to Coldstone.

3. List snacks you enjoy.
Cheese it's. Love them.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Adopt a baby, or pay a surrogate to have one for me, or both.
Pay off my bills.
Build a house.
Buy new cars.
Finish school.
Set up a trust fund for my son, step-daughter, and grandson.
Share some w/ family.
Take a nice long vaca.
Donate, donate, donate.
FYI~ I'd be happy with a million.

5. List places you've lived.
Sorry, only Michigan.

6. List jobs you've had.
Waitress at a restaurant, waitress at a bar, bartender, day care worker, preschool teacher, insurance sales rep, (oh, and telemarketer for one day when I was 16!)

7. List people you want to know more about.
YOU

Vacation

So we a taking a short vacation for the weekend. My husband has a conference and brought us along so the kids can go swimming and stuff. It's kind of nice to get away. We actually had this planned for a long time, we come every year. Even though it's nice to get away, I STILL can't help but think how I had planned on being big and pregnant for the conference this year, and knew I would be happy to be in the A/C and to swim to cool off. No matter what I do, or how happy I am, Brenna is always on my mind.


Here's a picture of the kids in the hot tub. I don't know if I've ever mentioned on this blog before, but my step-daughter is 22 and married. She has a 2 year old son (yes! I'm a grandma! stop laughing). That's him on the left, and my son on the right. I think they are what have kept me sane during this whole time.

Little Things

It's funny how the little things can be the biggest reminders. When I was pregnant my husband and I went and bought this humongous thing of Tide. I remember thinking, "This is gonna last half my pregnancy!"After I lost Brenna I hated using that Tide. I was so happy the day we bought it, and every time I used it that's all I thought about. It felt like every time I used that, I was loosing a little more of that memory. A little more of that feeling. I still remember when I finally used it all up. I was actually sad that the Tide was gone. Ridiculous, I know.

I've been surprised over the last few months how the little things remind me of my baby, and of being pregnant. Yesterday I came across the bottle of TUMS my husband bought for me when I had continuous heartburn. I couldn't ever use them again, but I couldn't bear to throw them away either. For some reason, that stupid TUMS bottle reminds me of my baby. Reminds me of being pregnant. Reminds me of how happy I was.

That doesn't mean I'm not happy now, because I am. I'm blessed to have the people in my life that I have. But, I'm not as happy as I was back then. It's a different sort of happy. Back then I was "innocent happy". Now I'm "grateful happy". Innocent Happy is when you are blissfully unaware of how cruel life can be. Grateful Happy is when you know how lucky you are to have what you have because it can all be gone in a second.

I'd really like my innocence back.

"After Brenna Died"

I caught myself saying those words for the first time yesterday. I rarely say her name, let alone say that she is dead. It was in a perfectly normal conversation, and the words just flowed out of my mouth. It made me stop in mid-sentence. It really caught me off guard. I couldn't believe what I had just said. MY BABY IS DEAD! She's not gone, or missing, or never existed. SHE IS DEAD. In my mind, I picture her peacefully floating up to heaven, but the fact of the matter is SHE IS DEAD! That is a hard reality to recognize.

Never in my life would I imagine that I would be talking about my dead baby. Never. This is not where I saw myself when I pictured my life. Life has changed so much for us since we found out I was pregnant. We are not the same people we were back in December. My son is not as innocent. He has experienced death at a young age, which is something we went through when my step-daughter lost her mother, and something I hoped my son would never have to experience. I have faced death and my own mortality. My husband had to face telling yet another child that thier mother was gone. It was a very scarry time for my family, and we all are different people now.

I ran across this quote form Liz's blog about her daughter, and I love it. It really touched me, and it's so true:

"Our children change us... whether they live or not."

Lois McMaster Bujold

Three Months

Dear Brenna,

It seems like just the other day you were born. I still think of you everyday, but the thought of you no longer makes me cry. Although I will miss you for as long as I live, I am at peace that things happened as they were supposed to. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and one day I hope to know why this happened to our family.

Your brother misses you terribly. He was really looking forward to having a baby in the house. He never got to see you (except for at your funeral) and that is one thing I regret. I wish I would have had someone go and get him. I wish he could have seen how beautiful you were, and how much you looked like him. He wouldn't have held you, he's not big on babies, but he would have liked to just look at you and see you.

Our entire family talks about you all the time. You are so loved. I sometimes get angry at God because it's not fair that you are more loved that some babies who are born here on earth! But then I remind myself that you are up there with Him, you never suffered, and you are happy. For that I am grateful.

I got your name tattooed on my foot. For the rest of my life, you will walk with me. You will be with me forever.

Although things didn't turn out like I thought they would, I would never take it back. I cherish the time we spent together. (I miss your kicks!) You are forever in my heart. I love you always.

Until I See You Again,
Mommy