Good Point

This is why I love blogging.

My "blog-friend" CLC commented on my last post, and she made a very good point that no one has made to me before. She said, "Someone's miscarriage might be the worse thing they have dealt with." It really made me think. Of course the person I was referring to in my earlier post fell apart when she had a miscarriage. That is because that was the worst lost she experienced. I should not minimize her loss just because I feel that mine is "worse". It's not fair. Just because my baby was older doesn't make her more important than my friend's baby. We both lost babies. I just got to hold mine.

Thanks for that comment. It really made me think, and it made things much clearer for me. I"m embarassed to say, I kind of feel like a bitch now. (The feeling will pass, don't worry!) :)

Miscarriages

Let me say before hand that I am sorry if this offends anyone. That is not my intention. As always, this blog is about nothing but my feelings, and this is how I feel.

So someone mentioned my "miscarriage" today and I wanted to rip their eyes out. For some reason when anyone uses the term miscarriage to describe my loss it makes me crazy. I was 5 months pregnant for crying out loud! When I think of miscarriages I think of women who are barely pregnant loosing their pregnancy. Not a mother who is 5 months pregnant and already felt her baby move! Then who holds her baby and takes pictures and had a fricking funeral! That to me is a birth.

I feel like people use the term miscarriage so that what happened to me doesn't seem so bad. Miscarriages happen all the time, but stillbirths are much worse (duh! they happen all the time too!).

I know someone who had a miscarriage and she could not function. Literally. She was probably 8 weeks along. Now I don't want to seem heartless, but I'm sorry having a miscarriage at 8 weeks is no where near as horrible as giving birth to a dead baby! It's not. I know people who have experienced both, and they have said that a miscarriage, however horrible, can not compare to the loss of a baby.

When I think miscarriage I don't think labor and delivery. I'm sure it's not picnic, but it's not the same. Physically you heal faster, you don't have baby stuff waiting for you at home, everyone who sees you isn't expecting you to have a baby, the only people who know about your loss are the ones you tell. It's not the same.

I do not consider my loss to be a miscarriage. My baby died. I held her. I took her picture. I bought a casket for her. I had a funeral for her.

I was a few days shy of 20 weeks. At 20 weeks I would have gotten a birth certificate (or death certificate, whatever). Because I was 3 days short of 20 weeks I didnt' get anything. My loss is labled a "late term miscarriage". Thank you for making me feel like crap. If I could have held her in a few days more I would have had a stillbirth.

It's fricking ridiculous.

Numerology

OK, so I'm not big on numerology or horoscope or astrology or any of that stuff. But, for some reason the number 8 keeps popping up. Brenna's due date was 08/08/08. She was born on 03/05/08 (3+5=8). I don't know what that means, but don't you think it's kind of strange?

During my pregnancy, I did not sleep well at all. I woke up many times during the night, but every night, no matter what, I woke up at 4 am. Last night I woke up at 4 am and I thought to myself how strange it was that I hadn't woke up at 4 since I was pregnant. Then it hit me, Brenna died, and was born a little after 4 am. It was one of those moments that jolts you out of your sleep. I hadn't ever realized that before. I spoke before about "knowing". It's not like I knew she was going to die, but I just had a continual nagging feeling that something wasn't right. I'd been pregnant before, but I said time and again that this pregnancy wasn't the same as the first one. I was sick or slept 75% of the time. I was almost non-functional. Something just wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it. When I realized that I woke up every night at the same time she eventually died, it was kind of spooky. I don't know what it means, but it's a very strange coincidence.

My Son

My son is so awesome. He wrote this about his sister, and it touched me so much I wanted to share it with you. He's 11, and has been having a very hard time dealing with her death. He made a scrapbook with his grief counselor, and this is what he wrote on the front cover. He wrote it all by himself, and it was all his idea. It made me realize he thinks of her just as much as I do.

B- Beautiful

R- Ready for heaven

E- Early at birth

N- Never leaves our minds

N- Never leaves our hearts

A- Around and with us all

That about sums it up.

I've started blogging about my son also, since I think I need to spend some time on the child I do have. Here is his blog http://beingbrendansmother.blogspot.com/

Good Times

Someone asked me yesterday what my tattoo said. I didn't think anyone would ever ask, so I didn't prepare myself for the answer. I had taken three preschoolers to the library for story time. It went something like this:

Librarian: What does your tattoo say?

Me: (pause) Brenna- please do not ask who Brenna is. Distract the kids so they don't ask where my baby is. I don't want to have to explain...

I was no prepared for that.

I think I am becoming jaded. Today my son had a function to go to. While we were there I discovered one of the mom's had a new baby. (I didn't even remember she was expecting). I couldn't stop looking at her baby. She is seriously one of the laziest women I have ever met. Her husband does everything for her. She's a grouch (to put it nicely). I couldn't stop looking at her, because I couldn't help but wonder why she got to have three healthy babies. What have I done so wrong in life? Why am I being punished? This woman gets a beautiful healthy baby, and I can't have mine? I just don't understand it. Then I felt the tears well up. Please don't do this now! I couldn't help it. It was all I could do to not cry right then and there. It was awful. I couldn't wait to get to the car.

My friend also had her baby on Monday. She had a girl. I didn't go to see her. I'm scarred to death. She had a girl, and named her the name I always wanted to name my baby girl. (But she was due first so she got it). I am afraid that if I go to see her I will fall apart. I'm terrified. We were due 3 months apart. We were both having girls. I envisioned our babies growing up together. Now, she's always going to be a reminder of what I don't have. Everytime I see her I'm going to be reminded of the baby I don't have. I'm very happy for her, and I'm glad they both are ok. She is a beautiful baby. But, I'm really nervous to go see her.

This Could Be My Husband

I read this amazing story today and all I could think of is, that could be JJ (my husband). That could have happened to us. It was quite the reality check and made me thankful that I AM HERE! (If you read the above story, get out the tissue. You've been warned.)

You Just "Know"

I have heard other mother's who've lost children say this, and it's something that I haven't really wanted to face. I think deep down I knew something was going to happen to my baby. All along I had this disconnected feeling. I loved her, don't get me wrong. I knew from the moment I saw that plus sign I was having a girl. But I just could not picture myself with a newborn baby. I tried, but I just couldn't see it. With my son I envisioned his future and the things we would do, I could picture it. With Brenna, I couldn't. I remember wondering why I felt so disconnected, and I remember figuring it was because I had had some problems with bleeding and I guessed it was because I was "bracing myself" in the event anything bad happened. Once I got into the second trimester I felt like I was in the clear, but I still had that feeling.

Call it mother's instinct, feminine intuition, call it whatever you want. I think my body knew. I honestly 100% had no doubt my baby was going to be born. I never saw this coming. Never. But I think my body knew. I always had that feeling that I can't describe.

There's nothing I can do to change it, it is what it is. But, I have learned not to ignore my body's signals anymore. I've learned to listen to my inner voice.

On another note, I went to get Brenna's footprint tattooed on my foot. Her footprint was way to small, but the tattoo guy wrote her name out for me instead. He made it look really nice. That was my first tattoo, and now I want more! :) Anyway, I think it looks great. I had them place it so you can still read it when I wear flip flops. Here's a picture: