Offer Your Support

Please go visit beautifulcurve She has just experienced her second loss. Another daughter born at about 5 months, just like her first daughter. Please go over and give her some words of encouragement. Loosing one is horrible, I can't imagine loosing another...

My Husband

This year is our 10 year wedding anniversary.

My husband and I have actually been together for 13 years. I met him when I was 18 years old. We didn't start dating until about 6 months after that, but I still remember the first night I met him. If you told me then that I was going to marry him I would have laughed in your face. He was not my type at all. I was small, blond, big boobs, young. I was exactly his type.

My husband is 16 years older than I am. That might not sound like a lot, but considering there is only three years between him and my mom, it was a BIG DEAL. My mother wasn't crazy about him at first. Then when I got pregnant at 19, she really didn't like him. But, he eventually won her over.

We really defied all the odds and got married and have stayed married. I would never recommend anyone date with that large of an age difference. It's really hard. Especially when there are step-kids involved. His daughter lost her mother the summer I met him. (She died in an accident). I was totally unprepared to be a step-parent. For those of you who think parenting is hard, step-parenting is a million times harder. I know because I've been there. My step-daughter and I are great friends now; but, the road to get here was long and hard.

We have been through a lot. I met him when I was still in high school. I started dating him soon after I graduated. He's been with me through every important event in my life. My brother lived with us for a few years, and he always tells me how lucky I am. He always reminds me that no one will ever love me the way JJ does. We are made for each other. There is no doubt in my mind. He is almost the complete opposite to me, which is probably why we are still together after all these years.

I had a boss who didn't think my husband and I were a great match. Last year he asked me if I ever regretted marrying him. Didn't I feel pressured because I had a baby with him and was young? I didn't even think about it I just told him no. I knew that this is the person I was going to spend my life with. Later, I thought about that question, and my answer is still the same. I love that man more than I can explain. I truly feel that I was supposed to marry him. We have the kind of love that people wait their whole lives for. I was lucky enough to meet him when I was young. He understands me like no one else in this world. People laugh at us because we finish each other's sentences, and tell the same exact stories. Actually, we're kind of sickening!

Don't get me wrong, we're not perfect. He drives me insane some times, and I make him crazy at times. But, for the most part, we really enjoy each other. Even after all these years we can stay up half the night talking about random things. I never get tired of talking to him. He still makes me laugh. I can't sleep without his snoring. I still get butterflies when I think about him.

This August, which is when Brenna was due, we are going to renew our wedding vows. I don't want August to be a month that always has a black mark on it for us. I especially want this August to be a special month for our family.

I love you, JJ. I am so thankful God brought us together. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.

A Mother is a Mother, No Matter What

Until I suffered the loss of my daughter, I had no idea how hard Mother's Day can be for some people. At first I dreaded that day. Mother's Day.

Today is Mother's Day. It actual wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had visions of myself curling up in the fetal position and crying in bed all day. It didn't happen. At church this morning I got teary eyed, but that's to be expected. (I'm embarrassed to say this is the first time I've went to church since I lost my baby. It was a big step for me, since the last time I was there I was pregnant. That's all I kept thinking about.)

I didn't spend they day crying over what should have been. I spent today celebrating what was. I have a son, a daughter, a step-daughter, and a grandson. I love each of them with all my heart. I believe I was put on this earth to care for them. I know that. Why didn't my daughter get to stay here on earth with us? I don't know. But I'm not going to waste anymore time wondering why. I'm going to celebrate the 5 months I got to know and love her. I don't feel jilted at all. I feel privileged that I got to have her all to myself her entire life!

I know that Mother's Day is a hard day for all of you out there in deadbaby land. No matter how short of a time you had your babies with you, I hope you remember you are all mothers. You were given the greatest gift. You grew a baby inside of you, even if for only a few weeks. Although it might not seem like it, today is your day. Celebrate the fact that you DO have a baby, and you ARE a mommy, even if your baby has wings.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you. I hope you all can find peace today, and reflect on the time you did get to spend with your angels.

When life gets hard

and I can't seem to find God.

I rest assured in the fact

that he always knows

where to find me.

The Great Vasectomy Debate

As my loss starts to become less painful this blog starts to be less about pain and more about life. I still think of my daughter daily, and sometimes I still hurt, but mostly I just think of her. Lots of things remind me of her, and I don't think that will ever change. I'm not sure I want it to. But the past few months have been very healing for me, and life has returned to normal. One thing my husband and I do not see eye to eye on is having another baby.

I don't think I posted on this blog that I was contacted by a mother who lost her daughter from a ruptured uterus. In her case caused by a car accident. She made me the happiest person in the world when she told me that she is now eight months pregnant with another daughter. There is hope for me to have another baby! Yay! I haven't shared this woman's story with my husband. Actually, I haven't told anyone except my "friends" on babycenter because I afraid people are going to think I'm insane for wanting another baby after all I've been through. I probably am.

My husband is really against having another baby, and actually had the nerve to tell me I should get my tubes tied. (For those of you who don't know I have major abdominal surgery two months ago when I lost my daughter and it took a long time to heal. You can read about it here.) I told him that the only surgery anyone in this house would be having is a vasectomy. He told me he'd rather have the doctor stab him in the eye than "operate down there". Then he actually said to me "We can't risk a malfunction!" Dead serious. As I write those words I can't stop laughing. It was so ridiculous. Exactly what kind of "malfunction" was he talking about? Men!

My husband is a great guy. He really is. Everyone likes him, everyone. He loves me like you can't imagine. He also really loves his penis. I tried to tell him I like it too and would never put it in any kind of danger. The doctor is a perfectly skilled individual who has done the procedure thousands of times. Besides, if he can't be trusted to make a tiny incision in your "guys", why are you going to trust him to CUT ME OPEN!!!! Hello?

So needless to say, that is a touchy subject.

What!?!

I ran across this article while my son was at the dentist today. I had to look it up and read it again because I thought I was missing something. Please read for yourself and tell me if I'm crazy.

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20033199,00.html

Part of me understands what they are saying about mourning. But why is it wrong to allow your children to mourn? Do you think you are doing them a favor by not having any pictures of thier sister and not allowing them to take time to grieve? I totally do not understand how someone who claims to be a pastor would give people advice like this!

Tell me if I'm missing something. Because to me it doesn't sound like they healed, it sounds like they are in denial.

(FYI- I also read they have adopted a baby girl, and I really am happy for them.)

Two Months

Tomorrow it will been two months since everything happened. It's amazing how much can change in two months.

Yesterday was actually a really good day. I didn't notice that 100's of pregnant ladies or babies. It didn't bother me. Things are getting easier and I am getting less crabby.

My body is still on a hormonal roller coaster, but my husband get the brunt of that so I don't mind so much (j/k). I started taking the pill, which actually seems like a joke because the chances of me actually ovulating an egg were slim before, and with only one fallopian tube, they are about nil. I don't really know why I am bothering to take the stupid pill which makes me hungry all the time and feel like I might be going insane. My husband wears a rubber every time anyway (I know TMI- sorry). He's absolutely freaked out that I might get pregnant again. I hate to tell him his "guys" aren't kamikaze sperm and he doesn't have anything to worry about. I think his view is one made it up to the fallopian tube once before, they could do it again. Don't I wish. I'd be happy if one made it up to an egg and grew into a baby. Is that asking for too much?

So anyway, I've got a busy week in front of me. I'm glad because then I won't sit around wallowing is self pity. I try to keep myself as busy as possible so that I don't have time to sit around and cry. Actually, I don't even feel like crying so I guess that's good. When I don't feel sad I start to wonder what's wrong with me. Like I'm a bad person because I'm not mourning my dead baby. I think I'm being too hard on myself. I need relax.

I wish all of you out there in deadbaby land a peaceful week. God bless.

Other People Love Her

My mom works at a large department store. Her job is in the "cash office" passing out money and stuff like that. Today she told me that she was alone the other day and there was no one to wrap the gifts a customer brought back to customer service. She had to do it. She told me how it really bothered her because they were all baby girl presents. I realized for the first time that she understands me more than I thought. I have a terrible time with baby girl stuff, and baby girls in general. I desperately wanted a baby girl, and knew right from the beginning I was having a girl. I had all pink picked out for everything. I was so excited. I hadn't had my 20 week ultrasound yet, but I knew it was a girl. I wish I wasn't right. My mom was so excited about having a granddaughter. She had bought a bunch of baby girl things, and was looking for even more. I had bought a bunch of girl cloths too. It was the happiest time of my life. When I was pregnant with my son 11 years ago my husband and I weren't married, I was only 19, and we didn't have a lot of money. This time I was able to buy whatever I wanted and planned on having my "dream nursery"! (Sigh) I knew I was having a girl, but I wish I was wrong. Maybe I wouldn't be in so much pain if I hadn't lost the girl I always dreamed of. Maybe it would be easier if it was a boy because I already have a son. I doubt it.

So, after my mom told me that story it really hit home. She understand me more than I thought. I sometimes become so wrapped up in my grief that I don't realize other people miss her and love her too. Other people had dreams for her. Other people's lives were affected by her. My mom and my sister are the only people besides my husband and myself who got to see and hold her. The four of us hold that special bond. I'm glad my sister was there, and I'm glad my mother got that closure she needed by holding her grandbaby. I regret not getting any pictures of them together. But I was so out of it, they actually went to see her before I saw her. I actually feel terrible for my mother. Part of me feels like I let her down, but I know that's irrational. I just feel incredibly bad for her.

I wish I could have given her that baby.