Monday, December 29, 2014


I never thought I'd write in this blog again. Especially not about another loss that my family suffered.

I have not written here because I didn't know how to write this. I didn't know it was possible for my heart to be more broken. But it's possible. I know that now.

My much loved, much awaited nephew joined my daughter in heaven. Another still birth statistic. I don't know how much of the story I should tell, because it's not really my story to tell. It's been almost five months and I relive it every day. The first moments seeing my sister in law... our eyes locking... the look on her face. I didn't cry until that moment, but she flung her arms out to me and the second we held each other a primal, uncontrollable cry came from me. It's a cry I've never cried before. Not even for my own daughter.

But, I wasn't crying it for my nephew. It was for my brother and sister in law . I knew the path they were going down and the thought of it was almost too much to stand.

Standing at the hospital with her when she got discharged was horrific.

Empty arms.


There is a sadness in me that's always here. I'm afraid it will never leave. This baby was my chance at a rainbow. I was going to quit my job and take care of him while she worked. I went to her baby shower, the first shower I've went to in 7 years. I was so excited to meet this baby, and when he died a piece of me went with him.

I didn't think it was possible for a heart to break twice.

It is.

And the second time hurt worse than the first.

Add to the fact that less than three weeks later my friend lost her baby in the same freak way I lost mine. One in a million chance. And it happened to me, then it happened to her.

When I heard the news I literally felt like God was punishing me. Was I bad luck or something? Why was this happening to people I loved?

This Christmas was so hard. It was nothing like we envisioned. I tried to be festive for the rest of my family, but really I just felt like laying in bed all day.

My brother and his wife are amazing. They could have let this break them. (It took 10 years for her to get pregnant with this baby, and they lost him the day before he was scheduled to be born. It was a cosmic slap in the face.) They are broken, but they didn't let this break them.

I'm in awe of them everyday.

I don't know what the future holds. My sister in law and I were close before, but we've grown a million times closer these past few months. We've traveled together. My husband and I understand. If she needs to take a moment we get it. If we see a baby boy we know the pain. We know to avoid the baby isle in stores. We know how painful hearing his name is... All the things that we have learned a long the way, we now know that they are experiencing. I hope it's comforting for them to have someone who understands what they are going through.

I never thought I'd be writing in this blog again. It just seems so, so unfair.