Sunday, May 23, 2010


The good news is that my brother's doctor is confident that he does not have MS. Yay! Bad news is he has to have a spinal tap. Boo!

More bad news is that my grandma is in the hospital right now. She fell and they think she may have broken her foot. She lives in another city, so I'm waiting for my mom to call me with an update.

**UPDATE** My mom called to tell me that my grandma broke her ankle. This is terrible news which will probably result in her having to go to a nursing home. She is in poor health to begin with, and it was getting more and more difficult for the family to take care of her. With this injury she will basically be immobile, and it will not be possible to take care of her at home.

Friday, May 21, 2010


My husband and I started dating in 1995. The same year I graduated from high school.

I have spent all of my adult life with the same man.

We got married when I was 21. I remember the early years of our marriage as having ups and downs. We liked each other, but we really didn't always get along. We led basically separate lives. I had my friends, he had his. We rarely went out together. Our son was small, and his daughter was young so they were my main focus. We loved each other, but we had not yet learned to communicate well.

We have a close friend who is in a paraplegic. I remember thinking, early in my marriage, that if something like that were to happen to me, my husband would not stick around. I truly believed that. I don't know why I thought that was OK. But it was something I thought I knew, and something I accepted.

I remember one night when I basically had a meltdown and told him I thought he only married me because of our baby. I remember him holding me, and me crying, and him telling me he had never loved anyone like he loved me. That he loved our son, but that wasn't why he married me. He married me because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

I remember that as being a turning point in our marriage.

From then on I guess I felt validated. He loved me for me. No other reason. I made the decision that divorce was not an option for us, and we would work out whatever came our way.

For the first few years of our marriage we bickered a lot. We still did not know how to communicate, and I always felt the need to be right. Even if I knew I was wrong, I couldn't admit it. It took a long time for me to learn that being wrong is OK. I was what you would call, a nag. He was what you would call, a child. Our communication consisted mostly of bitching back and forth about every-fricking-thing. It is actually something I really regret because my step-daughter was old enough to remember, and I don't feel that we were good roll models for her. I deeply regret not showing her how a husband and wife could be. Although we rarely ever got into arguments where we yelled at each other, we always got our little back handed comments or digs in at each other.

It really wasn't how you speak to someone you love.

Fast forward a few years. I became more comfortable expressing myself. I felt more comfortable in my own skin (which I think has something to do with age). We become better at talking. I stop nagging. He grows up. Things are actually pretty good. I begin to enjoy going out with my husband. We like to do things together (gasp!).

Then I find out I'm pregnant with Brenna.

Then she dies, and I nearly die along with her.

These events significantly change our marriage.

I distinctly remember thinking this is going to make us or break us.

I can't believe I am about to type this but... it made our marriage better.

In the 2+ years since Brenna was born, my husband and I have grown closer than I ever thought possible. It was a complete eye opener for both of us. It made us realize what is really important in life. Now a days we do everything together. He has even started working for my company! We drive to work together every morning. We grocery shop together. We pay bills together...

It's so sickening sweet I make myself sick! :)

It amazing how your relationship changes when you start thinking about the other person and stop thinking about yourself. I stopped bitching about him leaving his dirty dish on the table, and then voila he stopped leaving it on the table! You know why? Because I thought, "I don't need to nag him about something so stupid" and he thought "She really hates it when I leave this out". Funny how that happens.

Over the past two years I have fallen even more love with my husband. We do everything together. We are a team. I have learned to open up to him. I've realized it's OK to be vulnerable. That doesn't mean I'm weak.

As strange as it sounds, I've learned to enjoy my husband. Truely enjoy him. I like being with him. That doesn't mean that he doesn't annoy me, because sometimes he does. That doesn't me that I don't make him mad, because sometimes I do. What it does mean is that we don't let it bother us like we used to. We don't dwell on it. If he's making me mad I tell him. "Listen here buddy, you're getting on my nerves!" Then he makes some smart-ass comment that makes me laugh and we move on.

I like how we are now. I really do.

It's bitter-sweet because I realize that we would never be like this if we hadn't lost a child.

If she was here our relationship would be different. I doubt we'd be as close. The kids would be the center of my world. I wouldn't be working. We wouldn't be working together. We wouldn't be going to Hawaii... I could go on and on. Things would be very different if she was alive.

It's hard to accept the fact that my marriage is better because of the death of my child.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


I am just heartbroken over the story of John Travolta's son Jett dying. It's just the saddest thing to me. Mix in the whole blackmailing thing, and Travolta having to testify at trial about the most intimate details of his sons death... it just makes me squirm. I feel dirty for even being interested.

Then I read that someone at an airport ran over their two little dogs and killed them. This hit close to home for me, because I know how your dogs can be so important to you- especially after the loss of your child. My heart broke for his little girl, thinking she had to go through that.

I read this week that he and his wife are expecting another baby.

It's about time something go right for this family.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I know that I am not the only person who can't stand the freaking Duggars. Not only do they have 19 kids, they had a 25-weeker survive, and Mrs. Duggar had at least 13 successful VBACs! I know too many mothers who have lost their baby to uterine rupture from one VBAC attempt- and this lady gets to do is 13 times? I'm sorry, I find it so irritating. Then I hear how they want another baby!?! They are considering adoption because apparently Mrs. Duggar isn't getting any younger.

I am the type of person who like to find out why someone does something. What makes us tick? I can not help but wonder what makes these people feel the need to have baby, after baby, after baby. Part of me wonders if it's the publicity. Of course they love their children, who doesn't? But maybe they also love the fact that each new baby comes with lots of media attention. They are famous for being fertile.

My mom's fertile too, no one gave her a television show!

Saturday, May 15, 2010


I dream often of having a baby. It's never her, but in my dreams I'm pregnant and often give birth to a little girl.

Last night I dreamt we adopted a little boy. He was was 3 or 4 and had a cherub face and blond hair. We drove to Indiana to adopt him. I distinctly remember telling my mom and step-dad we were adopting, and introducing them to him. Everyone fell in love with him right away, and I was so happy. We named him Nathan. My son and step-daughter loved him. I was so excited to have him in our family.

I woke up feeling so happy.

This dream has stayed with me all day today. I've thought about it often. It doesn't necessarily bother me, but it has left me feeling... unsettled? Uneasy? I'm not sure what the word is. It's just weighed heavily on my mind today.

I think that our dreams are often our subconscious trying to work through something.

I have not thought of having another baby for a long time. Why am I still dreaming like this? Am I going to dream like this forever?

Friday, May 14, 2010


I've been a mom for 13 years now. I feel like that gives me some sort of experience points or something. I feel like I've put in my time, and sometimes I even feel like I have it all figured out.

The other times, like lately, I feel like a total failure as a parent. It's hard to be a working mom. I'm not trying to get into the whole working mom debate, but I've done both. I can tell you for certain I could not have worked the job I'm currently in if my son was young. I couldn't. I have a hard time now and he's 13 years old! It's hard to be a working mom. I'm not talking about job, but a career (let's face it, there's a difference).

When my son was growing up I worked at a preschool and he came with me. I was a full time mom, even when I was working.

Now that I'm working a "real" job it's just so hard to juggle it all. I feel sometimes that my son is missing out. I can't participate in all the school activities like I used to. I can't attend every field trip like I used to. It makes me feel so guilty. The fact of the matter is my husband used to be the bread winner in our family and I didn't have to work. That is not the case anymore. This economy had hurt us financially. I was lucky enough to land a position with a company, and I've put in a lot of time and energy and earned a large raise and promotion. I love my job. I feel very confident that this is my career now, and I will eventually retire from this line of work.

But whenever I think of my son I feel an incredible amount of guilt. I feel sick to my stomach sometimes because I feel so guilty. I have flexible hours, so if he's sick or has something going on I can always attend. It's the best of both worlds, but I still feel guilty.

I'm sure part of this is because he's getting older and he's more interested in girls and friends than he is in his parents. I know this. But I can't help feeling like he's missing out.

Guilt. It is a parents worst enemy. It makes you allow behavior you know isn't right. It makes you buy things you know you shouldn't. It can make a rational parent act crazy.

**By the way, no news from my brother's doctor yet. I take that as a good sign. **

Thursday, May 6, 2010


This is the place I go when life knocks me down. If you haven't heard from me in a long time, it's because life is going good. If you hear from me often, it's because life is sucking. That just seems to be the general rule for this blog.

I need prayers for my brother. He's been having pain in his back for about a year now. His doctor told him that it's just something he's going to have to live with. It's really beginning to effect him in other ways, and he just had a feeling that something wasn't right. He sought a second opinion, and the did an MRI of his back.
Turns out it wasn't "nothing".

I don't know all the details, but what ever is wrong with his back is something they often see if people with Multiple Sclerosis. Just typing those words makes me want to cry. My brother is 31, and doesn't have any children. He's not married, but he has a long term girlfriend. He's very active, and loves hiking and canoeing. The thought of him being disabled in anyway breaks my heart.

The thought of his struggling in any way breaks my heart!

My uncle's wife has MS. She found out about five years ago when she woke up one day and couldn't walk. She has good days and bad days, but she walks with a cane and life is definitely harder for her. She is the only person I really know with this disease, and all I can think of is it's unbearable to think of my brother like that.

I am close with my siblings. What happens to one of us happens to all of us.

Please pray.